Retirement

Yesterday my dad retired as a judge. His staff threw a great party, and we engaged in many festivities. I am not allowed to post pictures of him or parts of the event. Here's a picture of the kids though. I feel it's important to share this picture because it is a rare occasion when all the kids look this clean.I'm not even sure how much I am supposed to say about the celebration, so I will speak hypothetically. It will be up to you to decide what may or may not have happened.

So, hypothetically speaking, if you had been there, you might have heard/witnessed/experienced

1) His first law clerk tell a story about how my dad once sat on a chair in his chambers and broke it.

2) My brother share a story about how a mouse raced across the floor, and as everyone tried to catch it, my father screamed like a girl.

3) This same brother trying to get the kids to settle down by scaring them and saying, "See all that snow outside? If you guys don't stop messing around, the abominable snowman is going to get you." And Maile responding, "Um, Uncle Todd, it's called a Yeti."

4) A family friend, holding my healthy, baby niece, and saying, "You know, this is the only time in your life that being fat is cute." And me being offended because she didn't think I was cute anymore.

5) Maile stealing every opportunity she could to say something in the microphone and thinking it was funny every time. Every. Time.

Congratulations, Dad!! You can begin your life now.

Merry Christmas

Maile is sick. She's congested, has a bad cough, and her voice sounds like James Earl Jones. So because of this, I stayed home from church yesterday which makes it three weeks in a row that I haven't been there. Thanks to traveling and illnesses, I have missed enough church meetings that I'm pretty sure the missionaries are going to be knocking on my door soon.

Here are a few highlights of our Christmas, but I'll elaborate on some of these later so that I can attend to Darth Vader and her sickly needs.

1) We didn't intend to spend Christmas morning at my parents house because I didn't want to haul all the presents there. But then the kids fell asleep, and at 2:00 a.m. Grant and I went home, gathered up all the gifts, and returned in time for Santa to arrive. We didn't go to sleep until 4:00 a.m.2) Kea received a guitar for Christmas. She and Maile then formed a band called Wolf Killers, and their first release will be a song they composed, Bird's Call.3) Kea gave my parents a book of poetry for Christmas. Here's a sample of her work.4) Brother-in-law Mitch losing every game of Dominoes despite his trash talk via text beforehand.

Mitch: We need to have a holiday hominoes [Dominoes] tournament
Me: Get ready to lose my friend.
Mitch: Like Ivan Drago said to Apollo Creed in Rocky 4, "YOU WILL LOSE!!!" or as Maile would say, "You want a piece of me?"
Me: You Drago. Me Rocky. Get ready for a TKO . . .because I only fight for myself
Mitch: Whatever! You're Clubber Lang (Mr. T.) . . . all talk!

Dear Mitch, it's called karma.

5) I expressed my desire to play the incredibly fun game, Bananagrams. Mitch confused it with the not-so-fun game, Mammograms. I clearly stated that whatever he and my sister play behind closed doors is of no interest to me whatsoever.

So how was y'all's Christmas?

The Dark Divine Release Party

Last night Bree Despain's family threw this awesome party to celebrate the launch of her book The Dark Divine. If you haven't bought it yet, stop reading and proceed to the nearest book store. Anyway, everything was wonderful. Emily Wing Smith contributed by making appetizers. No one does pigs-in-a-blanket more beautifully than she. There was also a historic moment because "The Other SIX" got to hang out with each other . . . or maybe it was commiserate with each other. Take a look at this picture and guess who I voted for #1 crazy of The Other SIX. Aren't they a handsome bunch?

Other events include:

1) Getting whiplash because James Dashner thought it would be funny to bang into my chair over and over again.

2) Grant beating up James Dashner. (Okay, not really. Grant just laughed . . . and I'm pretty sure he gave James a high five, too.)

3) An incredible Turkey a la King dinner. (Read Bree's book to discover the connection.)

4) An agreement to finish my revisions by Feb. 1. Hear that world? I will be done by Feb. 1. (Ha, ha. But I didn't say which year. I use that one at work all the time.)

5) Emily using the word "impotent" when she actually meant to say "important."

Happy Holidays everyone!!! I may not be posting again until after Christmas, but we'll see.

The Dark Divine

Today is a big day. Huge. Bree Despain's book The Dark Divine is officially released today. I am so incredibly excited for her because I feel that I have lived and experienced much of this book with her. I got to edit the book before she sent it out to her agent, which was exciting because adding commas and correcting punctuation is about all I'm good for. I got to see the agent offer her representation, and then watch as he sold it to Egmont in a two-book deal. And now it's here! So you better buy it. Now.

Reasons to buy Bree's book:
1) It's awesome.
2) She's one of The SIX.
3) If you read the book closely, you will find a reference to me. And I'm not just talking about the acknowledgements section.
4) Everyone needs to dream about someone as hot as Daniel.
5) Who couldn't use a little paranormal romance in their lives?

And if you are in town, catch her launch party at The King's English on Saturday, January 2 at 3:00 pm. As Secretary of Defense, I will have a significant role to play during the signing, but because of my duty to my country and The SIX, I am unable to elaborate on my mission that day. Nevertheless, you should all try to attend.

Holiday Bustle

No one is getting Christmas cards this year. Shouldn't be a surprise because I haven't sent them out since the meltdown of 2005. Thank you, however, for all of your Christmas cards. I love receiving them, but ever since the holidays started to come sooner and sooner every year, and since life became busier and busier, I have resorted to doing nothing but just trying to survive the season.

So what have I been doing?

1) Critique group with The SIX in which I promised not to bring my beginning ten pages ever again. Apparently after the year and a half I have spent with them, they are tired of seeing the same pages over and over again. And yes, it's pathetic that after that long, I have only managed to edit ten pages.

2) Writing nasty letters to the Tooth Fairy because she forgot to leave money yet again for Kea. Fortunately Kea decided that the evil Tooth Fairy must have kept the good Fairy from taking the tooth because, after all, "for every good thing, there is a bad thing." I agreed with her. It definitely was the evil Tooth Fairy's fault.

3) Celebrating sister-in-law Cristi's birthday. I won't say how old she is, but I will say she deserves a medal for being married to my brother.4) Morning concert for Kea. Highlight was a girl who ran off the stage with her hand over her mouth because she had to throw up. It was funny. Maybe you had to be there. And no, I didn't get pictures of her exit.5) Morning concert for Maile. Highlight was Maile thinking jazz hands were appropriate for one of the numbers. They weren't.

Essence of Jacob Black

Last night 2/3 of The SIX were gathered for an Authorpalooza signing at Barnes and Noble, and among the signing authors was our own Emily Wing Smith.

Highlights include:

1) This awesome picture taken by Emily.2) Brodi Ashton sharing "Essence of Jacob" body lotion. On a side note, I had the fortunate privilege of seeing New Moon with Bree Despain and Sara Bolton. Bree and I have been swooning over Jacob Black ever since, and we are not embarrassed to admit it. (Okay, maybe Bree's a little embarrassed.) And more specifically, we were swooning over Jacob's abs. Can you blame us?

3) Me holding the "Essence of Jacob" so Bree could smell it, and Bree slamming the bottle up her nostril because she somehow lacks depth perception.

4) Brodi looking at the cover of James Dashner's paperback version of The Thirteenth Reality (to be released next week) and saying, "I could really go for this boy." Okay, if you thought the whole thing Bree and I have for Jacob is creepy, just compare us to Brodi, and you will realize why she is #1 crazy. I'll admit what she really meant to say was, "I could really root for this boy," but that Freudian slip of the tongue does not release her from the #1 title.

5) Emily discussing her aspirations to be a birthday party planner and organizing events akin to this party Kea recently attended. Is that snake not awesome?

Anyway, to enter to win free, signed books, check out Bree Despain's website. Her book debuts on Dec. 22. Can't wait!!!!

All I Want for Christmas

So the girls had a violin concert last Friday. My mom asked me to post videos of their playing since she couldn't be there, but I ran into a slight problem.

Problem #1: Maile refused to play. She got stage fright and would not go up there.

Problem #2: Here's what I have of Kea's performance.

I had only filmed a few seconds when the memory card said it was full, and it stopped recording. My mom is not going to be happy, and you will all just have to trust that she played "Go Tell Aunt Rhody" very well.

All the other violin students played, and I spent the whole time trying to bribe Maile to get up there. I even pulled out the Santa-is-watching card. So right before the finale where all the students play some songs together, Maile decides she will perform. By then I had deleted enough stuff on my memory card that I could record her performance, but because I had spent so much time viewing/deleting, the battery was low. It started to beep in the middle of her playing, but we made it!

And then, we had a huge problem because the one thing the girls wanted the most was pet rats for Christmas, and Maile was saying that a pet rat was the only thing she had been wanting from Santa. The whole scorpion fiasco was still fresh on my mind, but eventually I caved. We are now the owners of two rats, Bailey and Theodore. I wanted the girls to pick out their own pets, and I didn't envision us trying to surprise them by buying them and keeping them in boxes until Christmas morning. So that night we went out and bought the rats, but not before they understood the rules.

1) I don't want anything to do with these animals, which means I will not feed them, I will not clean up after them, I will not make sure they have water.
2) I don't want them touching anything I own including, clothes, books, blankets, or anything in my bedroom.
3) I don't want them near me at any given moment in time.

It was only a day before Maile realized that taking care of pets involves work, and she announced that she didn't want a pet rat for Christmas anymore.

Me: Well, too late because we already bought them.
Kea: Why don't you want one?
Maile: Um, hello? Rats carry diseases.
Kea: Um, hello? The people at the store gave them shots so they wouldn't carry diseases.
Me: Um, hello? Should have thought about that before you begged me for a pet rat.

So when I stated that the rats would only be Kea's, Maile gave in and said they could be her pets too. This morning Kea said she's helping Maile learn how to be a good pet owner by reminding Maile on a regular basis, "Would you rather hold an alive rat, or a dead rat? Because if you don't take care of yours, you will be holding a dead rat."

Anyone want to take bets on how long these pets will live?

Advice on Raising Girls

Cam and Christian are two of my dearest childhood friends who do not have the last name of Lonsdale or Johnston. I might have mentioned them in a previous post. Anyway, I met Cam in the 2nd grade and Christian in the 3rd grade. We don't get to see each other anymore really since Christian now lives on an opposite coast and our lives are so busy. But we are still in contact via e-mail. And because I have known them for so long, both of these guys have been present through many fun times and also moments of my life that I'd rather forget.

For example here are just a few ways that some of their conversations with me might begin:

1. Remember when we were in the 3rd grade, and you used to pin us to the chain-link fence and knee us in the . . . .
2. Remember when you lost that chicken fight against Michael S. on the monkey bars, and then you went to pull him down, but his pants came down instead?
3. Remember when you lit your hair on fire in science lab?
4. Remember when we were fighting over that razor blade, and I said,"One of us is going to get really hurt, so on the count of three, let's both drop it at the same time." And then I counted to three and you didn't drop it, so you ended up slicing my hand open?
5. Remember when you dared me to bite your arm so I did?

And then, although I don't think we technically did anything illegal, there are a few incriminating stories that the three of us will just take to our graves. Anyway, we're getting older now, and the thing that really makes us realize this is the fact that we have kids who are now the same age as we were when we first met. They both have daughters who are just a little bit older than mine, so I recently went to them for advice, thinking they could help me with Maile and her boy-craziness.

Being the experienced fathers they are, they did not disappoint:

"I recommend a good surreptitious surveillance camera system aimed at the front porch, drive way, and all the couches in both your house and your girls' friend's houses. I've found that most of their parents will like the idea of a shared system. It's like a car-pool for teenage pregnancy avoidance. Oh, and get a baseball bat. The bat is a good deterrent because you can have Grant write their boyfriends' names on it. When one moves on or gets replaced, just cross him off and write the next one on there. It shows the girls that you are interested in them, you pay attention, and you care. It's like love, only better."

I approached them because of the situation with Maile and also a relatively recent event that happened when a boy called asking for Kea. I will call the boy "Paul" to protect his identity.

Grant:Hello.
Paul: Um, can I, uh, speak to Kea?
Grant: Who is this?!
Paul: Um, it's Paul. I'm Kea's friend.
Grant: How do you know her?
Paul: I go to school with her.
Grant: She's not here.
Paul: Can you tell her to call me when she gets home?
Grant: Yeah.

And then I come home with the girls, and Grant says that Paul called asking for Kea. I, of course, know exactly who Paul is, so I say, "Oh, cute!" Then I pause and let everything sink in before I say, "Please tell me you were nice to him on the phone." And he says very defensively, "Well I didn't know who he was!"

I'm just hoping Maile learns from my example. Rather than kissing boys, I just gave them a knee to the private parts and now we are friends forever. Feel free to leave me any advice you might have on raising girls these days.

The SIX

My writing group now has an official name: The SIX. It's not original. At all. It's just that there are six of us. Generally, this is about as big as you can get for a writing group.

The SIX listed in order of craziness:

#1: Brodi Ashton
#2: Emily Wing Smith
#3: Bree Despain
#4: Me
#5: Kimberly Webb Reid
#6: Sara Bolton (btw, she's so Not-crazy that she doesn't even blog. So this is a link to her shoe website.)

There are some things I should confess about the order of craziness. The first is that Brodi was actually not present when we voted the first time. She has tried to lobby for a different number, but I have yet to see any of her campaign promises fulfilled. I mean, where is the world peace, Brodi?

And the second is that when we tried to re-vote with all of us present, it was after Brodi had dyed her several times going from blond to dark blond with highlights ("brunette") to dirty "dishwater" blond to dishwater blond with red highlights all within only a few hours.

So the numbers stand. Whenever Grant thinks I'm crazy, I just remind him that he should consider himself lucky because I'm only #4. Yes, that Grant is a lucky man. The third thing I should confess is that at any given moment, all six of us are really tied for #1.

My title in the group is Secretary of Defense. All you need to know about that title is that you shouldn't mess with me. Anyway, The SIX spent the weekend at a writer's retreat at Kim's house.

Some noteworthy events of the weekend:

1. I found some very, very interesting items during our shopping excursion including:
• A leopard print Snuggie. These are way overrated. They hardly stay on. AND no one even confused me for a fashionable monk. Where's the fun in that? But I brought it home, and at least Grant and Maile are getting a lot of use out of it.
• Wrinkle Cream. Despite the fact that I love The SIX, they insist on lying to me. I DO have wrinkles starting to form around my eyes, even if I'm the only one who can see them. Hopefully the new wrinkle creams can do the trick. I'll update you in four weeks.
2. Pumpkin Thai Curry. Yum.
3. Almost killed four of The SIX when my heavy-duty 4-wheel drive car slid all over the place.
4. Tried to dye my hair, but black hair just doesn't dye well. You can't even tell I did anything.
5. Got a lot of writing done! I re-wrote my beginning, and I'm feeling pretty good about it. But I may have to change it. It's too long of a story to explain why, but yeah, I might have to re-write again.
6. I didn't get any sleep. Also a long story. But the lack of sleep probably contributed to the fact that I am sick.

Anyway, some of our husbands have been lobbying for their own weekend retreats since they always get left at home. Bree's husband suggested they be called "The Other SIX" but Grant seems to like "The Better Halves." Anyone else have suggestions?

Being Sick

I can't multi-task at all anymore. I don't know if I can even uni-task anymore. And yes, that's a word I just made up. So my kids and I were sick the past couple of days. Here's what happens when any of us get sick:

1. I don't answer the phone or even look at it because it is generally in my purse or somewhere I don't think about it. [Some, like my younger sister Ashley, would argue that this isn't different from any other day when none of us are sick. I will concede to that 90%, but all I'm saying is that it gets even worse than usual.]
2. I don't get on the computer to check e-mails or anything else.
3. I pretend work doesn't exist, but I still get calls at home.
4. I don't blog, which I'm sure my 5 readers noticed.
5. I don't change clothes usually for the entire duration because I am too lazy to get out of bed.

So I was sick, and Kea was sick, but I wasn't quite sure if Maile was sick. For some unknown reason, I never believe her when she tells me she's sick. Maybe because it's somewhat akin to the Boy Who Cried Wolf story. Nevertheless, on Monday morning, she was telling me that she had to stay home from school because she was sick. I went through the usual routine.

Me: Do you have a sore tummy? Do you have a fever?
Maile: No.
Me: Then get up and get dressed because you're going to school.
Maile: I'm sick.
Me: Then what do you have?
Maile: I have a cold.
Me: Why aren't you sneezing? And why don't you have a runny nose?
Maile: Well, I don't have any control over that!

Turns out she had a sore throat, which I had no way to verify. But that's what both Kea and I had, so I couldn't quite call her on that. So she stayed home, but I told her if she was lying, I would take away everything she held dear.

But how is a parent supposed to know? Because every time I say, "Get dressed. You're going to school," I swear they end up throwing up in the car on the way.

How Grandma Blew It

I've received many comments on Kea's goggles. Kea absolutely loves them. But when she got them, Maile took one look at her and said, "So is Kea going to be a cool kid, or is she going to be a nerd if she wears those?" All I'm going to say is that nerds are cool.

Anyway, I can't believe it's December. December--which means I have to do a million things:

1) Lose 40 lbs. At the beginning of the year, friend Mark and I were dumb enough to make a resolution to lose 40 lbs.each. Let's just say that both of us have a lot of work to do between now and the end of December.
2) Buy Christmas presents. I used to be the kind of person that had all the Christmas shopping done by July. I'm not that person anymore.
3) Get rid of the cats. Turns out I'm incredibly allergic to cats. Anyone want to adopt 2 cats? Grant complains that I haven't been doing enough to get rid of them, but I'm sure that my writers group can attest that I try to pawn them off every chance I get.

Those are some of the things on my list, just to name a few.

So Christmas is approaching, and I'm in the car when Kea says, "Grandma really blew it."
Me: What did she do?
Kea: She told us there wasn't a Santa Clause.
Me: Are you sure that's what she said?
Kea: Not exactly, but you remember those cameras we got last year?
Me: Yeah
Kea: Well, Grandma said they were from her. But I remember seeing the tag last year, and it said "From Hawaiian Santa."
Maile: Plus, Mom, there's no way he can be real because have you seriously ever seen a flying reindeer? I mean, what would they even eat, huh? Tell me what they would eat.
Kea: You wouldn't lie to us, right?

Okay, experienced parents and friends, I need advice. How long do I let this go on?

How I Spent My Thanksgiving Vacation

So Thanksgiving was awesome.

Let's start with Circus Circus. Here they are smiling because they have just won fuzzy dice for the mere price of $60. I have to say that I was surprisingly proud of Maile. Usually she just lets Kea play all the games for her, but this time she actually tried to play a few of them herself--even though that required a little bit of effort on her behalf.

Nothing's better for Thanksgiving dinner than an all-you-can-eat buffet. You can't beat the buffets in Las Vegas. And even better is that fact that there is no cooking, no clean-up, no dishes. Gotta love that. Here's Maile sneaking into a picture I was trying to take of Cousin Andrew, his wife Patrise, and their cute baby.The next morning we left for Kea's tournament. As expected, there was a bit of a size difference between Kea and the other players. Oh, and did I mention that she got new sports goggles? They're a little hard to notice because of the neutral color, but if you look closely, you can see them. This was actually my favorite picture. Despite the fact that half of her team was 2-3 years younger than the other teams, they took 2nd place.And besides these events, I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. And I loved every minute of it.