Valynne E. Maetani

Perspective on Writing

2012-02-01T14:21:00.000-07:00

So my baby just turned 3 months, and she's growing up way too fast. I have enjoyed this baby so much more than my other kids at this age. And while this sounds like a horrible thing to say, here's why. With my other kids I was always worried and stressed out, like all other new moms. Is my baby sleeping enough? Is she getting enough tummy time? How many ways will I ruin my child's life forever today? Why did I do this? I'm not good at this.

But with this baby I have perspective. I know how fast these quiet moments turn into road trips to soccer tournaments or violin lessons. I know how quickly the cute baby coos turn into a child telling me I'm not the boss of her. So I'm enjoying every single moment because I know this is my last baby.

I've come to realize that I need to have this same perspective when I'm writing. I often find myself saying the same things about writing. Why am I doing this? I'm not good at this. This is too hard. Sara Zarr once told me to appreciate and enjoy the time before you're published because it's the time when you are truly writing for yourself. So even though I am struggling with the story arc of my book right now, I'm trying to maintain perspective and enjoy writing without deadlines and bad reviews...because now that the baby is here, and I am not returning to my "real" job, I would actually like to get published. And that's a scary thing.

Notes Parents Hope Not to Receive From Their Kids

2012-01-27T14:19:00.000-07:00

I almost forgot to blog today, but Showcase Friday can't be missed. So I present to you a note parents never want to receive. And, of course, it's written by Maile.

And the Winner is . . .

2012-01-25T11:57:00.000-07:00

And the winner of Everneath is . . . Gaylene! Just send me your mailing address through an email or Facebook and let me know who you want the book signed for.

So Brodi's launch party was last night, and it was amazing! There were so many people that the only picture I could get was one of her right hip. I decided not to post it. The SIX came dressed in our Dead Elvises t-shirts, red hair extensions, and I even wore an eyebrow piercing. Unfortunately the piercing wasn't real, but I did get a lot of extra long stares. Brodi was awesome, and I can only hope I have a fraction of the people that were there show up to my first signing. At least my parents should be there, so the room won't be totally empty.

Anyway, it's writing day, and after an extensive discussion, Christian and I are still knee-deep trying to figure out what revisions need to be made. Essentially we have realized that we need to destroy our current version and start all over. But I'm slogging through despite a baby who doesn't like to sleep and has decided she doesn't like to take a bottle.

I'm grumpy.

Okay, back to revisions. Congratulations, Gaylene!

Happy Boxing Day

2012-01-23T10:07:00.000-07:00

So last week was my birthday, which I generally try to forget, but it was a very good day with friends and family. The kids, however, had no clue what day it was, and after school I took them grocery shopping.

Maile: Can we please go look at the birthday cakes?
Me: Sure.
Maile: Man, I really wish it was somebody's birthday today.
Me: Um, guess what today is?
Maile (very excited because she thinks she has an excuse to buy cake): Uncle Mitch's birthday?
Me: No, that was yesterday.
Kea (very excited because she thinks she knows the right answer): Boxing Day?
Me: What?

Kea: It's a real holiday in Canada.
Me: I know it's a holiday, but it's MY birthday today.
Kea: Oh. Happy birthday.
Maile: So do we get cake?

Unfortunately we never really need an excuse to have cake because that's how we roll. Anyway, don't forget that I will be rolling at Brodi Ashton's signing tomorrow at the King's English at 7:00 pm. AND don't forget to enter to win a signed copy of Everneath. Contest ends today at midnight!

Spoiled Children

2012-01-20T10:23:00.000-07:00

First, don't forget to enter to win a signed copy of Everneath by Brodi Ashton. Click here to enter.

And second, for Showcase Friday, I bring you a note written by Maile. Before the baby was born, Maile was saying how she hoped the baby wouldn't turn out to be a spoiled brat. Then she paused for some inner reflection, and this is what resulted.

Win a Copy of Everneath by Brodi Ashton

2012-01-18T09:23:00.000-07:00

And the countdown to Everneath by BFF Brodi Ashton begins. Her signing is at The King's English on Tuesday, January 24 at 7:00 p.m. I absolutely LOVE this book, and so will you. To get everyone excited, here's a hint of the storyline:

Last spring, Nikki Beckett vanished, sucked into an underworld known as the Everneath, where immortals Feed on the emotions of despairing humans. Now she's returned- to her old life, her family, her friends- before being banished back to the underworld... this time forever.

She has six months before the Everneath comes to claim her, six months for good-byes she can't find the words for, six months to find redemption, if it exists.

Nikki longs to spend these months reconnecting with her boyfriend, Jack, the one person she loves more than anything. But there's a problem: Cole, the smoldering immortal who first enticed her to the Everneath, has followed Nikki to the mortal world. And he'll do whatever it takes to bring her back- this time as his queen.

So in anticipation of the event, I'm running a contest so you can have a chance at winning a signed copy of the book. Here's how to enter:

1) Follow the blog by hitting that little button on the right that says "Join this Site"
2) Follow me on Twitter (@valynnemaetani)

You get an entry for each so let me know by leaving a comment once you have done either one or both. If you're already a follower, just let me know in a comment, so I know that you want to enter the contest. Unfortunately the contest is limited to U.S. residents. Contest ends Monday, January 23, 2012 at midnight, and the winner will be announced on Wednesday, January 25.

Who doesn't love to win free books? Let the games begin!

The Misbehaving Sea Person

2012-01-13T09:52:00.000-07:00

Maile continues her pursuit of publication from Harlequin. So for Showcase Friday, I give you her latest work in progress.

It's Good to be a Writer . . . Sometimes

2012-01-11T12:03:00.000-07:00

Wednesday is my official writing day with The SIX. Here's what I love about being a writer: I get to read books before they even come out. A few weeks ago I finished The Savage Grace by Bree Despain. It's the final book in the Dark Divine Trilogy. I know, you're all jealous. And you should be because it's awesome.

And yesterday I finished reading the sequel to Everneath by Brodi Ashton. Loved it. Everneath, by the way, comes out Jan. 24 and I will be giving a copy away on the blog so watch for details.

So here's what I'm working on right now. It's actually a collaboration with writer friend Christian Heidicker, who is an extremely talented writer. The book is young adult and alternates perspective between a male and female character. And it's really funny....at least I hope it is. Writing humorous fiction is always difficult because sometimes what you write is only funny to you. I often find that I am the only one laughing at my own jokes, so it may be a book that only our mothers love. It's been fun to work on.

But here are the questions I often get:
1) Isn't hard to write with someone else?
2) How do you handle disagreements?
3) What does your husband think of your working with another guy?

So I thought I would answer them in case you are all wondering the same things.
1) Isn't hard to write with someone else?
It's actually really easy, as long as you pick the write person. You never get writer's block because you have someone to work through the problems with you. And when you don't feel like doing revisions, you can yell "not it" first and be exempt.

2) How do you handle disagreements?
We handle it the old fashioned way: with our fists. I always win.

3) What does your husband think of your working with another guy?
I think he actually likes the fact that there is someone else who has to put up with my craziness. It gives hubby a nice break.

The book is done, but it needs some major revising. Hopefully we can have everything ready to go by June. In the meantime, if you want to see me, I'll be at a signing tonight at The King's English for Marissa Meyer's book Cinder.

Dumbbells Really are Dumb

2012-01-09T08:47:00.000-07:00

I'm really questioning my resolutions right now. Like in order to lose the rest of this baby weight and then some, I might actually have to muster enough energy to open the box of weights I bought last year at this time. They're just sitting on my floor, content to be ignored.

Obviously there was a perfectly good reason I didn't take them out of the box. I mean, once you take something out of the original package, it loses value. And I'm pretty sure 2011 was a vintage year for weights.

Anyone else already lost their resolve to keep resolutions?

Notes to Santa

2012-01-06T08:33:00.000-07:00

Yep, I'm bringing back Showcase Friday, or maybe it's more accurate to say that I'm continuing it after a long absence. In reality, it's a quick way for me to do a blog post and get back to writing my book. Either way, I present to you a couple of notes to Santa, written by Maile.

The first note was a simple question.

But the answer confused her.

Ultimately she decided he had to be real if he was writing back to her. Thus,

Then she won him over with the picture of a Nintendo DS, and now they are BFFs.

Another Year Gone By, Another Dead Pet

2012-01-04T11:44:00.000-07:00

So I'm actually back to writing today, and after reading over revisions I made about a year ago, I already need a distraction. But blogging is still writing, right?

Anyway, I feel like I need to catch up on all the things that happened while I was absent from the blogosphere. So if you remember, we are not good with pets. Absolutely horrible with pets. And while I was pregnant, our pet rat Bailey died.

The kids didn't handle it well.

Maile (throwing both hands up in the air and crying): Why! Why, Bailey? Why!

Kea (crying but a fraction calmer than Maile): Mom, sometimes I really hate the circle of life.

And then Kea took a lot of pictures AND video of the dead animal before they buried it. I decided to spare all of you by not posting them, so just use your imagination.

So another pet is dead, and they're asking for another one. I keep trying to placate them with arguments like, "But we have a baby human. Why would we need a baby puppy when we have a baby human?" Fortunately we all adore the baby human, so we may be able to put off getting another pet for awhile and thereby save another animal from an unfortunate demise.

Happy 2012 . . . or Yay it's the End-of-the-World Year!

2012-01-02T16:51:00.001-07:00

New Year's Resolutions:

1) Start blogging and writing again
2) Start reading other people's blogs and books again
3) Lose weight, cliche I know.
4) Not get pregnant.

So I know, I know . . . it's been awhile. A long while. So here's what happened. I had a baby--a surprise baby, as in "I didn't know I could even get pregnant" kind of baby. Thus, resolution #4.

If you know me well, you know that my pregnancies are high risk, so as soon as I found out I was pregnant, my doctor said I could no longer go to work. You would think this would be wonderful and that I could get a lot of reading and writing done, but no. That's not the case when I get pregnant. Basically I am a vegetable until I get sick enough that my bun in the oven arrives about a month early.

How did the kids take the news?
Kea: Okay, no offense Mom, but you are OLD. Really, really old. So we're going to try not to get our hopes up too much.

Maile: I don't think the little guy is going to make it. But if he does, I just hope he's not a murderer.

So here's our new little one, Lillian Aukele Kimiko, aka Lily. As you can see, she's an exact clone of her older sisters.

Anyway, while I resolve to blog again, I can't promise that I will be blogging regularly, but I will at least have a presence in the blogging world again. Happy New Year y'all!

Back When You Were Easier To Love

2011-04-27T08:40:00.000-06:00

If you're in the area tomorrow, come to The King's English because BFF Emily Wing Smith will be doing a signing for her latest book Back When You Were Easier to Love. What's worse than getting dumped? Not even knowing if you've been dumped. Joy got no goodbye, and certainly no explanation when Zan--the love of her life and the only good thing about stifling, backward Haven, Utah--unceremoniously and unexpectedly left for college a year early. Joy needs closure almost as much as she needs Zan, so she heads for California, and Zan, riding shotgun beside Zan's former-best-friend Noah.

(I didn't write that synopsis. I was just lazy and copied it.) But the most important thing you should know is that I have been saving my energy this entire week so that I can make an appearance at this incredible event. And....The SIX aka "The Barely Manilows" is going to be singing a song to the tune of Copacabana. While I can't vouch for the quality of the singing, I can definitely promise it will be entertaining.

Easter, a Time for Wielding Baseball Bats and Knives

2011-04-25T08:19:00.000-06:00

Soooo......I've been absent for a long time. My health has left a lot to be desired. A whole lot. So what event (besides being pestered by Brian and Ashley) was significant to bring me back to the written word? Easter.

The annual Lonsdale Easter egg hunt was a smash hit as always. My stamina is non-existent, but I made it through without collapsing. Every year the group seems to grow exponentially.

But other than the Easter egg hunt, our own Easter celebration was a relative flop.

This year Kea announced that she didn't believe in the Easter bunny, but she just played along to make us happy. And then Hubby Grant hid the girls' baskets in their toy room, and we acted like we heard some noises, so we told the girls to go check it out. But the whole charade scared them both half to death, so they were asking for a baseball bat and knife before they would go check it out.

They settled for a flashlight, and the whole way up the stairs, Maile was screaming, "Chucky's here! Chucky's here!"

Okay, here's Chucky.

And here's the Easter Bunny.

Obviously different, right? Apparently not to our traumatized kids. Hope you all had a wonderful Easter.

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T08:29:00.000-07:00

Though it seems like a nice Valentine's Day card from Maile, it's not without the normal Maile flare.

My Impudent Daughter

2011-02-09T19:10:00.001-07:00

Maile: What does impudent mean?

Me: Well, really it's how you are sometimes.

Maile: Lazy?

Mating Pandas

2011-02-07T21:20:00.000-07:00

Soooo . . . time has a way of moving too quickly. I feel like I was barely around for January, which included trips to LA and Washington, D.C. It was a little crazy, and hopefully I'll get around to posting pictures later.

Anyway, as usual Maile has been finding ways to embarrass me. So the other day we were visiting her agency in Utah. She had found out that one of the Disney shows was coming to film an episode here.

Maile: I heard that Good Luck Charlie was coming, and I was wondering if you could get me an audition.

Agent: Oh, I'm so sorry! When I heard that it was coming, I was really hoping there would be a part for you to audition for, but the only roles available are for grown-ups.

Maile: Well, did you know that the giant panda begins to mate when it's 6 or 7?

Me: So do you think that because you're 7 that you're a grown-up?

Maile: I'm just sayin' . . .

Me: I'm just glad you're not mating right now.

Yeah, everyone in the office thought it was funny, but I was wishing the floor would swallow me up.

Doh! It's Duff Beer Friday

2011-01-14T01:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, it's been a little longer than usual since I last blogged, but the past few weeks have been particularly bad. Anyway, I couldn't disappoint Showcase Friday fans, so I bring to you Maile's latest drawings. Yes, my bid for Mother of the Year begins early as usual.

So for all you Simpsons fans . . .

She's also been singing, "Duff beer for me. Duff beer for you. I'll have a Duff. You'll have one too." Yep, Mother of the Year.

A Coal Christmas

2011-01-03T07:40:00.000-07:00

So the number one question I have been getting is, "How did Christmas go? Did you really go through with it?"

Short story: Yes, we went through with it.

Long story:
On Christmas Eve, the kids left treats for Santa.

They also left a letter, with Kea asking for a snowboard.

On Christmas morning, my nephews received snowboards. My kids received a letter.

Maile handled it surprisingly well even though she didn't even get a rubber apple. (Perhaps her good mood was due to the fact that Grant had told her if she squeezed the coal hard enough, it would turn into a diamond.)

Kea, on the other hand, was really sad. We explained how we had told Santa to donate their gifts to homeless children. And then she was mad in addition to being sad. So I explained how we had told Santa to make a donation to The Road Home in their names, and this donation would help buy things for children who didn't have a home. After that, she responded, "Okay, I'm fine with that. You just didn't tell me how homeless they were at first." Apparently there are different degrees of homelessness.

So both of them had a great Christmas. Grant and I did buy them some books, and they received plenty of gifts from everyone else. In addition, they received a lot of money which they used when we hit the after-Christmas sales. And because of the sales, they ended up with almost double the presents they receive normally.

Both of them agreed it was the best Christmas ever. Hope you all had a Happy Holidays!

The Lost Saint Release

2010-12-28T10:04:00.000-07:00

If you're in the area, you should come to the launch party for The Lost Saint, the next book in Bree Despain's Dark Divine series. Tonight at 7:00, at The King's English. I will be the official bouncer, which will include taking names (literally because I'm on Post-it duty) and kicking booty (if necessary...keeping my fingers crossed on this one because nothing would complete my holidays than some good martial arts action.)

Click here for more info.

The Voices in My Daughter's Head

2010-12-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

Kea and Maile got in a lot of trouble recently. Anyway, after getting in trouble, Maile tells Kea she would like to talk to her privately. They then proceed to hide under a blanket, where we can still hear them clearly.

Maile: My bad angel is talking to me, and he's telling me it's all your fault.
Kea: What? You were part of it too.
Maile: Sorry, I can't help it. That's just what he's telling me.
Kea: But you got in trouble too.
Maile: Okay, let me talk to my angels . . . Nope, my bad angel is still telling me to be mad at you.

Lump of coal for Christmas, here we come.

Best Christmas Ever

2010-12-20T07:25:00.000-07:00

Except for a lump of coal, the kids are pretty much getting nothing on Christmas Day. Why? They fight non-stop, and it drives me crazy. So a few weeks ago, I told them they'd better stop fighting or Santa wouldn't bring them any presents.

Kea: Santa doesn't care if we fight.
Me: How do you know?
Kea: Trust me. Santa doesn't care if we fight.
Me: Is that something you really want to test?
Kea: Let me tell you something. I fight with Maile all the time, and I've never had a bad Christmas yet.

Bring it on, girl. Bring. It. On. Let me just say this has been the most stress-free shopping for Christmas I have ever done.

When People Go Extinct

2010-12-15T07:42:00.000-07:00

Me: Did you guys get new recess monitors?
Kea: Yeah. I'm pretty sure Miss Pauline is extinct because I haven't seen her anywhere.

Poor Miss Pauline.

Well just a reminder that tomorrow night at 7:00 p.m. MST (9:00 p.m. EST), I will be doing an interview with my critique group, The SIX. Here's a reminder of how to participate.

1: At the appointed time, dial
1-218-862-7200
(long distance charges may apply, depending on your phone plan)

2: Enter the Conference Code: 245657

3: To raise your hand and ask a question, dial 5*

4: To Mute yourself, dial 4*

For more information, you can visit their site at http://www.authorsadvisory.blogspot.com/

Weekend Update

2010-12-13T08:21:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a little busier than usual because Grant was in Hawaii, so I got to run the kids around to all their various places. Highlights include

Violin Concert: In which Maile played with only a few tears beforehand. At the end, all of the high school and middle school kids joined together to play some final songs. Though Kea didn't know any of the songs, she thought she would join in . . . without her violin. So here she is just sitting randomly among the group.

Haircuts: For all three of us.

Soccer Game: In which Kea's team beat an all boys team. Three boys went off the field crying at various times due to injuries inflicted by her team, but only one of them was caused by Kea. She absolutely flattened him to the ground.

Narnia movie: In which I got seasick because it was in 3-D and mostly on water. Maile was sobbing at the end because she thought it was so sad. Fortunately she had my sleeve to use as a tissue.

TV watching: Started watching re-runs of Veronica Mars. Veronica, where have you been my whole life?

And finally, dinner at my parents house with cute nephews and nieces.

Anyway, for all you writers, on Thursday, December 16 at 9:00 p.m. EST (7:00 p.m. MST), I will be doing an interview with my critique group, The SIX. We'll be discussing writing groups and how to break into publishing. I probably won't say anything profound, but you can gain infinite wisdom from the rest of the group. This is all part of David Farland's Authors' Advisory Conference Calls.

How to Participate

1: At the appointed time, dial
1-218-862-7200
(long distance charges may apply, depending on your phone plan)

2: Enter the Conference Code: 245657

3: To raise your hand and ask a question, dial 5*

4: To Mute yourself, dial 4*

For more information, you can visit their site at http://www.authorsadvisory.blogspot.com/

Another Lesson in Bad Words

2010-12-10T13:59:00.000-07:00

For Showcase Friday, Kea wanted me to post a picture of a creation she had made with one of those Rubiks snakes, the toy from the 80s that looks like this:

But it really wasn't that great. So rather than sharing something she created, I'll share something she said. Kea often says things that are just slightly off. Like recently she has been singing, "Deck the halls with Austin Collie." (For those of you whose houses are not dominated by football speak, Austin Collie is a receiver for the Colts.) Anyway, a couple of days ago, we were at a restaurant when she says

Kea (in a fairly loud voice): Hey, Mom. What's that bad word you don't want us saying? Was it Niger?

Me: (looking around frantically to make sure no one's staring at us): No. That's a place in Africa, right above Nigeria.

Kea: But I swear you said we shouldn't call people Nigers.

Me: Um, no. But how about we save this conversation for home?

Self-Defense Class Gone WAY Wrong

2010-12-08T14:29:00.000-07:00

This is one of the craziest things you will see. It's kind of a long story about how this person, who I am related to, even ended up doing what she was doing. But here are a few things you need to know:

1) The man is NOT wearing protection.

2) The man IS creepy. We made her promise she would not go back again, but we didn't really need to twist her arm.

3) This was actually part of a challenge in which she could win money. She tried but failed.

4) It's kind of a long video, but minute 2:00 is where I really lost it.

My Daughter the Arsonist

2010-12-03T08:54:00.001-07:00

For Showcase Friday, I bring you a series of events.

1) A note Maile randomly wrote to friend and co-worker Christian.

2) His response

3) Her response to his response

4) Then at 3:00 . . .

and

Also, for those of you in town, Ally Condie's signing for Matched is tomorrow at 2:00 at The King's English.

The Lost Saint

2010-12-02T07:40:00.000-07:00

Need Christmas present ideas? Here's the perfect one from Bree Despain.

A Male Strip Show Thanksgiving?

2010-12-01T07:40:00.001-07:00

Thanksgiving weekend highlights:

1) Spent Thanksgiving in Las Vegas. For dinner, Grant and I thought it would be a fun surprise to take the kids to see the Tournament of Kings at the Excalibur.
Tournament of Kings is a dinner show with dancing ladies, knights in armor, jousting, etc.
Tournament of Kings is NOT a male strip show.

Maile: Did you guys just buy tickets for Thunder From Down Under?
Me: Huh-wha? Um. No. We got tickets for Tournament of Kings.
Maile: Okay, good because I was going to be like, "Really, Mom? That show is like totally inappropriate."

I know I'm a bad mom, but even I know you shouldn't take your daughters to Thunder from Down Under until they're at least ten, right?

Anyway, we get there, and they bring out the food, which is supposed to be eaten with your fingers.

Maile: Really? Are you kidding me? No forks. What is this, the middle of evil times?
Me: You mean medieval?
Maile: That's what I said.

2) Kea's soccer tournament, which was actually a pretty sad state of affairs. She was guest-playing for a team, and in three games, the team scored zero goals. Nada. Zip. Fortunately Kea could care less about winning, so she had a good time.

3) Friend Sam was in town!

This never happens. Whenever we go to St. George, he and his family always come up to where we live, and we end up missing each other. Even better news was that friend Ben and his family happened to be there at the same time so we all got to go to dinner together.

So how was your Thanksgiving?

Parenting 101

2010-11-24T07:53:00.000-07:00

I've learned a lot of things as a parent. But this one is important: If you find a clump of freshly cut hair in a pile somewhere, it's never good.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Weekend Writing Retreat

2010-11-22T07:35:00.000-07:00

This weekend was crazy but great.

Good News: Got to spend time with The SIX at a writing retreat. Wrote two pages (which is a lot).
Bad News: None of the writing I did was actually for my book. It was all for Emily's book, which is awesome by the way though she never believes me when I tell her that. It's especially awesome with the scene I added. But don't hold your breath about my scene because none of what I wrote will make it in the book. Maybe that should go in the good news section.

Good News: Because I was at the retreat, I didn't have to take Kea to her indoor soccer game at 6:45 in the morning. Yep, that's right 6:45 a.m.
Bad News: Kea played goalie for the first half, and they lost 9-4 to a boys team.

Good News: In order to do some research for Brodi's book, we explored Park City. Riding the trolley is free, and we found a club featured in her book.

Bad News: It was closed.
Good News: We got in anyway, hopefully not illegally, and took some pictures.

Good News: Partied hard at a party for friend Brian.
Bad News: He's moving to Australia.

Good News: It's Thanksgiving week!!!!!

Chuck Norris Can Do Anything

2010-11-19T07:53:00.000-07:00

Showcase Friday. How many mother's can say they found Chuck Norris jokes in their 9 year-old daughter's backpack?

In writing news, I'm off to a writing retreat later today with The SIX. I can't wait.

Passing Out

2010-11-17T07:28:00.000-07:00

I meant to blog on Monday, but then the kids got sick, and then I completely forgot about it. Unfortunately I've been forgetting to blog quite a bit lately, and when I remember, it's the end of the day, so I say I'll do it another day....and the cycle continues.

Anyway, I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to blog about, so I asked Maile her thoughts on the matter.

Maile: Blog about how I passed out in your room last night.
Me: You never did that.
Maile: Yeah, I did. It was when you were telling me to go to bed, and then I passed out and fell on the floor.
Me: I think I would have noticed if that had happened.
Maile: It happened right after I shouted, "You'll never catch me alive!"

So there you go: my blog post about how Maile passed out.

In other news, I went to the SCBWI conference last Saturday and had a critique with an editor from Random House. This was for my latest book, The Rotten Ones, which is actually a book that I'm collaborating on with a friend. The editor loved it and wants to see the rest, which means I'm going to be buried in revisions from now until the end of the year. I guess I should also clarify that because I am collaborating, I am willing to try to get this book published. After that though, I'm going back to my I-don't-want-to-get-published self.

Christmas Lists

2010-11-10T09:05:00.000-07:00

So here are the girls' Christmas lists:

Kea:

Santa's Comments:
1) Does she think I'm made of money?
2) A fishing pole to replace the one you got last year but broke before you could even use it?
3) An iPad? Your Mom doesn't even have one of those, and she deserves it more than you do. She didn't fight with her sister all year long like you did.
4) Camera. Why don't you just find the one you lost in your messy room? Hint: It's in that corner of junk stacked to your shoulders, the pile you fondly refer to as your "special things."

Maile:

Santa's Comments:

1) Okay, while there are a lot of questionable items on this list . . . rubber apple? What kid wants a rubber apple? And do I dare ask what you're going to do with that?

While I was Gone . . .

2010-11-08T08:20:00.001-07:00

I was in Phoenix for a conference, and here's what I like about that place: the weather was in the 80's.

Utah is cold. Cold. Cold. Anyway, despite being away from the kids, Grant kept me informed of all the antics of our quirky kids.

1) Maile [upon seeing Grant, who has just gotten his haircut]: Wow Dad, that's one weird haircut.

2) Kea [in a cheerful voice, after Grant has asked her how much homework she has]: I'm almost done, Dad. Really, I don't have much left. Although sometimes, I don't really remember how much homework I have. And this is one of those times.

3) Maile: Dad, the car really gets lower when you sit in it.

4) Text from Kea: Dear Mom, I finally learned how to play songs on the guitar. I am exited [sic]! Do you think I'm going to get more than $200 this Christmas? Love, Kea

And my absolute favorite.......

5) Maile: Dad, I just finished all my invitations.
Grant: Invitations? For what?
Maile: My funeral.

It's kind of surprising how much Maile's like me.

The Olden 80s

2010-10-20T08:56:00.000-06:00

The Torticollis has rendered me absolutely useless the past few days.
The good news: I finally took a shower yesterday after a long stretch of going shower-less for many days.
The bad news: Showers are totally overrated. So is brushing your teeth.

Despite being paralyzed, I did make it to an 80s prom party over the weekend. In preparation for the event, I went shopping at the local thrift store weeks before.

Maile: So you're shopping for clothes from the Olden 80s?
Me: Yes [I pick up a pair of shoes and try them on.]
Maile: Those don't look like they're from the Olden 80s.
Me: How would you know? And I don't like you calling them the "Olden" 80s because I actually lived during that time.
Maile: No you didn't. You couldn't. Because you'd be dead by now. Only dinosaurs lived back then.

She actually said that. It was a big boost to the self-esteem. Anyway, my memory of the party is fuzzy because I was so hopped up on pain meds, but I was fortunate to come home with pictures and a video of 80s karaoke that I hope to air on Friday.

So here I am on the right when I haven't showered for days.

And yes, Kim and I are always this affectionate with each other.

Here's The SIX:

An unusual appearance by The Other SIX:

And, of course, what prom would not be complete without a group picture?

What a Guinea Pig and I Might Have in Common

2010-10-15T05:58:00.000-06:00

Yesterday morning I woke up, got dressed, went to do my hair when all of a sudden I was paralyzed on my right side, and in a huge, huge world of pain. It came on so suddenly that Grant thought I was having a stroke. So I assured him that I wasn't having a stroke, but I probably did need to go to the hospital.

Grant had to go to court, so my brother Todd ended up taking me. The nurses get me in pretty much immediately and take my vital signs, which don't look good. So the nurse starts to freak out because she thinks I'm having a stroke. I assure her that I am not having a stroke.

The doctor finally comes in and tells me I have Torticollis, not a stroke. "I thought only kids got Torticollis," I say. And he says, "Nope, look it up on the Internet."

Even though they told me not to go back to work, I went back to work because I just have too much to do. And here's the best part. When I got there, I looked up Torticollis, and guess what? Animals get it too. Here's the picture on the Wikipedia page.

Maybe it was the drugs, but I thought the guinea pig looked hilarious because that's pretty much what I look like right now, my head all bent to the side and a miserable expression on my face. I told Grant if it got bad enough, they could just put me to sleep.

Anyway, huge birthday wishes to BFF Emily Wing Smith. She celebrated the big 3-0 yesterday, and we will be partying like it's 1999.

Also congratulations again to brother Todd who was featured in this article for the contest he won.

Las Vegas Fun

2010-10-13T07:47:00.000-06:00

We were in Vegas for the Columbus Day weekend. The two of you who read my blog regularly will know we go there often. So what do we do when we're down there.

1) Demonstrate ultimate laziness by trying to combine soccer homework with swimming.

2) Pay homage to the spirits of the swimming pool.

3) Act maniacal at Circus Circus.

4) Say to hubby, "Look at those toys. Who would want to play that game? No one wants to spend money to win those ugly things."

5) Turn around and find hubby trying to win those ugly things.

6) Take pictures in the same chair both on the way there, and on the way back.

We love Las Vegas.

Anyway, congrats to BFF Brodi Ashton, who won a blog contest on Nathan Bransford's blog. That's big people. You can read her guest post here.

Also congrats to author friend James Dashner who had his signing last night for Scorch Trials, sequel to the Maze Runner.

The Ill-Fated Ones

2010-10-08T07:58:00.000-06:00

When you're horrible pet owners, your pets die. I've talked about this many times. But one of the pet rats, Theodore, died. Maile was crying her "eyes out because it hurt her heart" even though it wasn't even her rat. Her rat Bailey was alive and well.

We really do try to take care of these things. Honestly, we do. Kea informed us that her science teacher said, "Rats are social animals." So for Showcase Friday, I present to you Oreo, the ill-fated rat.

What's wrong with us? Why do we keep buying pets? I don't know. Maybe I need to be bumped up on The SIX crazy scale.

Anyway, Maile's an actress, and her agency has her signed up for all these websites that send me emails about audition possibilities. I got this and thought it was really funny.

Who's with me on this one?

Fishing Fun

2010-10-06T08:40:00.000-06:00

Last weekend we went fishing, and here are the highlights:

1) Maile fought Brayden (age 14) for the Barbie pole and won. She may be just over 3 and a half feet, but don't mess with this girl.

2) After catching a fish, Maile dropped the Barbie pole in the lake. But of course, it wasn't her fault because "It was an accident." She seems to think that saying this always clears her of any blame.

3) Kea almost caught a fish, but it snapped her line. She did, however, manage to hang onto the box of pretzel M&Ms with her dear life. At least she has her priorities straight.

4) We had great scenery.

5) We found many uses for T-shirts.

Ah, don't you just love the weekends?

My Own Frankenstein

2010-10-01T08:43:00.000-06:00

For showcase Friday, I give you news about my brother Todd. He, along with four to six thousand other people, entered a screenwriting contest.

Yesterday, the awards were announced. Check out the Action category.

Yep, he got first place, which means some major production companies will be looking and hopefully optioning the script. So congrats to him. I'm really proud of him, and I'm also a little proud of me. Because I helped edit the script.

So when I'm famous, you can say, I knew her back when . . . she wasn't famous.

In other news, Matt Kirby's signing last night was great.

He did a fabulous job, and you all should go buy his book The Clockwork Three if you haven't already.

And finally, the last announcement is that by the end of the day, I will have finished my second book. The working title is The Rotten Ones. Right now it's kind of like Frankenstein with bits and pieces just thrown together, attached by duct tape and a glue gun. But it's a draft.

Picture Day

2010-09-29T08:18:00.001-06:00

It's picture day for the kids. And the funny thing is that the guy who took the pictures when I was there, is the same guy taking my kids' pictures today. But here's another thing that I thought was funny. This picture was on the order form.

Notice anything lacking? Like DIVERSITY? Only in Utah, my friends.

Anyway, two big announcements:

1) BFF Brodi Ashton just landed a 3-book deal with Harper Collins. The first book is called Ever'neath, and it's awesome. I think it's scheduled to be released in 2012, which is actually really fast in the publishing world.

2) Author friend Matt Kirby is having a signing tomorrow at 6:00 The King's English for his debut book, The Clockwork Three. Drop by if you are around!

At What Age Do Children Grow Out of Their Cribs?

2010-09-27T07:29:00.000-06:00

On many occasions, I have talked about how short/small my kids are. To put things in perspective, this is where I found Maile, a second grader, sleeping the other night.

There's something really wrong with that.

Anyway, I need advice from you church-going people with children who hate going to church. Maybe I'm the only one out there, but yesterday I went to wake up Maile, and the first thing out of Maile's mouth was

Maile: I'm not going.
Me: Well, what do you think you're going to do today?
Maile: I was thinking I would watch TV or draw. Maybe I'll do a little reading.

She says this all casually like she has a choice in the matter. Anyone have tips for dealing with unruly children?

Budding Philanthropist

2010-09-22T08:02:00.000-06:00

So we were shopping, and we passed one of those big containers that you can put coins in and donate money. They make it look all fun for kids because the coins go down this track that twists and cyclones down to the bottom. Anyway, Maile saw it and insisted we give her money.

Maile: Dad, Dad! You have to give me money.
Grant: I don't have any change on me.
Maile: But it's for the Ronald McDonald House!
Grant: That doesn't mean I have any coins to give you.
Maile: But it's for the Ronald McDonald House! Do you know what the Ronald McDonald House is?
Grant: Do you?
Maile: Yes. The Ronald McDonald House collects all the money, and then they give it to all the useless people.

Holy schnikeys! Useless people?! If you created a parenthood fail blog, it would basically be my blog right here. Trust me, neither one of us has ever told her that's what the Ronald McDonald House is. And yet, my child continues to find ways to make us look bad.

Fun at the Fair

2010-09-20T07:52:00.000-06:00

What's not to love about the state fair?

1) There are rides.

2) Lots of animals

3) Crazy food.

4) Prizes to be won.

Kea: Hey, Mom! Can we try to win those so we can give them to D.I. (which is akin to the Salvation Army)?

5) Overall it's bushels of fun . . .

Unless you visit the animals and have a huge allergic reaction that renders you more useless than usual. There's always a first for everything.

Restaurant Tips

2010-09-17T07:27:00.001-06:00

Ah, Showcase Friday. This is something I recently found while cleaning my office. It's something Maile wrote last year when she was in first grade.

Moral of the story: You should have good manners when you are at a restaurant so that you don't get chewed food in your face.

Another Bleeping Post

2010-09-15T07:57:00.000-06:00

So last Saturday I attended a book signing for Kiersten White for her new book Paranormalcy. Kiersten isn't a local author, but she's originally from Utah.

The picture is terrible because it was so sunny, and hot, and I stink at using a camera. Anyway, I've read a lot of paranormal books lately. A lot. But this one was different. This one is so hilarious, and you don't find many paranormal books that are also comedies. If you are looking for a fun read, check it out. The title of this bleeping post will also make more sense.

Other books I read this past week:
Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins: More violent than the other two books, but wonderful writing, and a satisfying ending to the trilogy.
The Clockwork Three by Matthew Kirby: Great read for middle grade readers (8-12)
Linger by Maggie Stievater: This book is a sequel to Shiver. Stievater is a pro at description. Some of her prose are amazingly beautiful. I had a hard time getting into it at first because the narrators switch so often, but if you liked Shiver, you'll like Linger.

What I'm reading now:
City of Bones by Cassandra Clare.

TV aka College Counselor

2010-09-13T08:08:00.000-06:00

So a couple of weeks ago we were taking a walk with the kids when Kea says, "Mom, where do you want us to go to college?"

Me: Well, I'd like you to go to an Ivy League school if you can. I don't even care if you don't go to my school, but I think it would be nice if you could get into a good school like that or maybe Stanford or something.
Kea: Phew! I'm so glad you didn't say Stevens Henegar College.
Maile: Seriously. Those commercials are so annoying.

Sorry, Stevens Henegar, but apparently my children will not be attending your school. On the other hand, the commercials for Eagle Gate College have Maile so enraptured that she is convinced it's the school for her. So I send a plea to the Ivy League: Can you please start airing "cool" commercials where we live?

My Daughter: the Harlequin Hopeful

2010-09-10T07:44:00.000-06:00

For Showcase Friday, I give you the cover of a book Maile is working on.

It seems that originally she was writing an erotic thriller but changed her mind and decided to go G-rated. Unfortunately the new title was already taken.

Labor Day Weekend

2010-09-08T08:04:00.000-06:00

Here's how I wanted to spend my Labor Day weekend since we now have annual passes:

But Kea had a soccer tournament. And we didn't know it, but she was sick. So in the middle of the game, she threw up. Twice. Mid-run. And she kept running and playing. It was awesome.

And then we hurried and left to see little sis Kimi's game against Utah.

Can you tell Maile has a gigantic piece of candy in her mouth?

Monday was the zoo.

Maile decided she wanted to dress 80s. Like the gloves? She told me she had been wanting a pair her entire life.

But most important of all . . . I revised 20 pages this week. That's a lot. Yay, me. So how was your holiday weekend?

Showcase Friday

2010-09-03T08:05:00.000-06:00

I think I'm going to have to change the name of Poetry Friday because I'm rarely posting the kids' writing these days. From henceforth it shall be called Showcase Friday instead, which means I can post anything I feel like . . . although that's not really different from any other day.

Nevertheless, for the first Showcase Friday, I give to you Maile's latest piece of art.

Recognize it? It's Sideshow Bob from the Simpsons.

It's not even December yet, but I'm pretty sure I have already made a solid case for Mom of the Year award. How many moms can say their young daughters spend their free time drawing characters from the Simpsons rather than something more wholesome?

On another note, do the following websites freak anyone else out, or is it just me?

http://www.bonespedia.com/2010/09/fotos-fa-visita-o-set-de-bones.html

http://emilydeschanel.blog.cz/1008/season-6-on-the-set-emily-with-fans

http://stacey3088.tumblr.com/post/1037272993/burdenswhichallowustofly-obsessedwithtv

Life in a Bubble

2010-09-01T07:42:00.000-06:00

So on one of our trips to L.A., we were walking to the beach.

Maile: Mom, there's luggage just sitting there on the curb.
Me: Yep.
Maile: That's so dumb. Someone could come and steal it. Who would be that stupid and just leave their stuff right on the sidewalk?

The homeless man. The homeless man, who we were standing right in front of. That's who.

Me: Just stop talking and keep walking.

Obviously my children have led a very sheltered life.

My Busy-No-Time-To-Breathe Summer

2010-08-30T08:55:00.001-06:00

So I'm back . . . maybe. As always, it's been crazy. But this summer has probably been one of the busiest I have ever had. So here are the quick highlights for July & August.

July:
1. Kea's 3v3 Soccer tournament, in which they took second place (despite being a year younger than the rest of the teams) and in which Grant discovered he had used the women's bathroom only after exiting the stall and being surrounded by women while washing his hands.

2. Las Vegas - Maile's convention which involved LONG days, stressful times trying to get her to model and acting auditions, and hot weather. Really hot weather.

And as a bonus, the girls found a rotting cucumber under the bed.

3. Trip to L.A. with friends and more auditions for Maile.

Oh, and we got to visit the set of the TV show Bones. (Thanks Gordon!) They let the kids get right up to the cameras.

Definitely one of the best experiences ever, except that standing next to Emily Deschanel is not good for the self esteem!

August:
1. Another trip to L.A. because the agency Maile signed with wanted her to get new headshots. (You can see some of them at www.kamailenagamatsu.com) The kids loved Universal Studios.

2. The Writing for Charity conference, which I helped organize. It turned out well thanks to the help of many authors and wonderful volunteers, but I am soooooo glad it's over. I stole this pic from Brodi Ashton's website because I was too busy to take any of my own.

3. Book Blogger Event. The book bloggers in Utah are absolutely the best. I am currently reading The Clockwork Three by Matthew J. Kirby pictured here with Bree Despain. Matt's book comes out in October, and Bree's sequel, The Lost Saint, will be released on December. Watch for both of those.

Slow Learners

2010-07-02T08:49:00.003-06:00

For Poetry Friday, I am posting Maile's birthday wish list . . . and of course, the translation.

Birthday list

spa set

dog (schnauser)

I bet you won't get a silver tabby at Jay's Jungle (pet store)

Goldfish please!

Please

please

bunny rabbit

please

Over the years, we have had hermit crabs, a guinea pig, a dog, a scorpion, cats, rats, and frogs.

Hermit crabs: Were bought because we didn't want anything too big to take care of. But we didn't know just how strong hermit crabs the size of a baseball could be. They crawled to the top of the tank, lifted the glass lid off, and escaped. We found one days later, stinking and smelling. Unfortunately, we never found the other one.

The guinea pig: Was bought because we didn't want to buy a dog. The thing was so noisy that I couldn't sleep at night. Was put in the basement where it suffered an unfortunate death.

The dog: Was supposed to be a toy dog. "It won't get over 6 pounds," they said. Imagine our surprise when the dog grew to over 20 pounds. It broke its leg 2 weeks after we bought it, and the vet wanted to charge us $2200 to fix it. "Do you know how many dogs I can buy with $2200," Grant said. He called them, and argued it down to $400. Thank goodness Grant's a lawyer. Then, because of the cast, the potty training went out the window, and we couldn't ever really potty train it once the cast came off. But the best part was that the dog was so hyper when the kids played with it, that it would start to throw up. No one wanted to play with the dog. So we sold it. And the people who bought it tried to bring it back after 2 weeks. They tried and failed.

The scorpion: Was bought because Maile thought it looked cool. She soon realized they aren't "cuddly," and you can't really play with them. The thing refused to eat even though we were spoon feeding it crickets, held right in front with tweezers. So it starved. And we left it in the tank for several months just to make sure it was dead before we dared remove it.

The cats: Were rescued from our window well. They were adorable . . . until they grew up. And I realized I was severely allergic to them when my throat began to close up, and I thought Grant might have to take me to the emergency room. For a year and a half, we kept them in the basement. Coincidentally, I haven't been in the basement for a year and a half. Recently, we gave them a new home at the Humane Society.

We DO NOT do well with pets. As a result, Maile got a lot of stuffed animals this year instead . . . but obviously, with that long list of former pets, it has taken us quite a long while to learn the lesson of buying fake animals as opposed to real ones.

To Publish or Not To Publish

2010-06-30T09:57:00.000-06:00

I've been getting a lot of questions regarding why I decided I didn't want to get published. So here's why:

1) I work a full-time job.
2) I am a full-time parent, running kids to soccer, violin, and modeling and acting classes.
3) I am on the alumni council for my high school.
4) I am the state chair for Penn undergraduate admissions.
5) I am on the board of directors for two companies.

Basically, I'm extremely busy . . . and sleep is overrated. As I was getting ready to submit stuff to an agent who had requested a partial manuscript, it really stressed me out. I realized that the last thing I needed was more stress. I already have a job, why would I want to add another on top of everything else? Writing brings me happiness, and I love writing because it's an escape. Trying to get published seemed to take away the joy and the reason I write. Learning how to write and honing my craft has been so fulfilling, so I will continue to attend conferences and do as much as I can to become a better writer. And I fully trust that some day I will want to walk down that path, but that time is just not now.

In the meantime, my author friends have writing careers that are taking off. Last night I helped Bree Despain run a booth for The Dark Divine at the premier of the movie Eclipse. This was much crazier than the other Twilight event we attended and included many people with wigs, bite marks, pale vampire skin, and even painted on cleavage. Yikes.

Emily Wing Smith got an official release date for her next book Back When You Were Easier to Love (April 2011.) A million publishers are going to be fighting over Brodi Ashton's book. We got to meet Mary Kole, Kim Webb Reid's agent. She is awesome, so I know Kim is in great hands. And while at the writing conference, our entire workshop sang praises about Sara Bolton's manuscript. It was so good that she was recommended to be passed on to the agent and editor at the conference.

All of their exciting news is enough that I don't need any of my own in the writing world. As for me, I will be trying to fit in writing during Kea's soccer tournament this weekend and Maile's modeling/acting convention next week . . . and maybe I will contemplate trying to get some sleep, too.

I Need More Than 24 Hours in a Day

2010-06-28T08:03:00.001-06:00

For the sake of my sister Ashley and adopted little sis Lanie, I am finally crawling out of my cave to post something. I haven't blogged in a while thanks to a life that is crazier than usual. But my sister is complaining about my online absence because she doesn't feel updated. Obviously the solution would be for her to come home for the summer like most normal college students. But since she's stubborn, I am posting an update.

So much has happened that I don't even know where to start. I could write about

1) Kea's end of the year singing concert in which 4 kids threw up at various stages of the concert, requiring several different teachers to perform clean-up duty between songs. And for the finale the girl, whose back was covered after the first person had thrown up, ended up throwing up too.

2) My car accident, about which I refuse to disclose any details besides saying that it involved the front of my car, a tree, and Starbucks, and I was a complete idiot.

3) Maile's birthday.

4) Grant's departure from his law firm, and his entry into the world of self-employment.

5) The Kick It 3v3 tournament that Kea's soccer team won. Or the 3v3 tournament she might have this weekend.

6) Cousin Kristie Ann's graduation.

7) My writing conference, during which I had the great epiphany that I do not want to get published. (However, I have promised my writers group that I will remain one of The SIX.)

8) The convention Maile auditioned for, and was accepted to, that will require to her to audition in front of hundreds of agents for both modeling and acting. Or the fact that Maile has to walk the runway in a swimsuit for said convention.

9) The kids' simultaneous fundraisers for Maile's convention and Kea's soccer team.

10) Maile's multiple-wardrobe-change photo shoot, in which she threw up all over herself and clothes after the first wardrobe change but went on to finish the shoot despite the nausea and freezing cold weather.

11) How my 20 interns can drive me and my other employees crazy sometimes.

12) The Writing for Charity conference I am trying to help plan for August.

13) Ann Cannon's book signing for The Chihuahua Chase. Her famous dad was there too.

14) Promoting The Dark Divine at a Twilight event where Bree Despain pretended she wasn't the author.

15) A trip to the new Harry Potter theme park in Florida with friend Christian.

Okay not really. We just told people we were going there so they wouldn't bother us while we were at the writing conference.

And last but not least . . .

16) I could blog about how I really don't have time to blog.

Dad Sleeping in a Nest

2010-05-28T07:39:00.000-06:00

Today for poetry Friday, Maile illustrates the continued, unwarranted abuse of her father. And, of all places, she wrote this song for him at church. There is no word yet whether this song will be performed by their band, Wolf's Night.

Dad is a pest.

He is so nuts!

Dad is a weirdo.

That's why he sleeps with a long pillow.

Dad is a pest.

Because he sleeps in a nest.

If you're wondering what the picture on the bottom is, it's a picture of Grant sleeping in a nest.

I Love it When I Win

2010-05-27T08:48:00.000-06:00

Maile does not like to play the violin. I don't know why because her teacher is amazing. But as much as she dislikes playing the violin, she dislikes performing in violin concerts even more. Here's how it went. It was Maile's turn, and she wouldn't play. So Kea had to go first.

Maile still wouldn't go. A few more kids went, and then Grant finally got her up there. It wasn't pretty.

Her teacher kindly helped her through it, but my favorite part was how Maile ran off before she was even finished. But it was a win for me because I didn't have to bribe her with pet rats this time. I love it when I win.

Why Sleep Walking Should be Banned

2010-05-25T08:03:00.000-06:00

I am tired. So, so tired. I meant to post something yesterday, but I have gotten such little sleep in the past few days, that my mind was functioning even less than usual. So here's what happened.

1) One of the kids got the stomach flu.
2) At 1:00 a.m. this child nonchalantly informed Grant that she had something to show him.
3) It turns out that in a strange sleep-walking episode, the child had "relieved" herself all over the bed and floor; however, said child does not remember much of what happened.
4) When asked if it got all over her underwear, the child responded, "Well . . . not in these panties."
5) For reasons only Freud can explain, the child had conveniently done the deed in her sister's room.
6) I got a tub and rag and scrubbed the carpet over and over. Grant used carpet cleaner, but we ran out, so in the middle of the night, I went to buy carpet cleaner.
7) While there, I decided I would kill two birds with one stone and shop for everything else on my grocery list. Upon arriving home, I discovered I had bought everything on the list except carpet cleaner.
8) Went to sleep at 5:00 am and left the tub and rag in the middle of the kitchen floor so I could clean again the next day.
9) Before I resumed cleaning the next day, Maile discovered the tub and decided it would be fun to wash Kea's feet in it with the rag.

Why do these things happen to me?

Field Trips Aren't as Fun as They Used to Be

2010-05-21T09:13:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I was drafted to be a chaperon for the first grade first field trip to Red Butte Gardens, a place where people can learn about plants and ecology. The first grade has three classes, and all of us fit on a bus that seemed way too small for that many kids.

Highlights:

1) On the way there I was handed a plastic bag for Maile because last time they went on a field trip she got carsick and almost threw up.
2) I had forgotten how carsick I get on bus rides and had to get the bag ready for myself instead.
3) Then another kid felt sick, so they moved him next to me because I had the bag. He cried almost the whole way there because he wanted to go home. And the three of us were fighting for the bag.
4) We had only been on the bus three minutes before the kids started asking if we were almost there yet.
5) The kids were divided into groups, and we were assigned to a guide named Nick, who taught the kids about plants. Kid 1 raises his hand and says, "Do you have masks for your whole face? Because I'm allergic to pollen."
6) Nick the Guide takes the kids by a river to look at tree roots. Number of times the kids got too close to the edge and almost fell in: a million.
7) Nick the Guide asks, "What do the leaves do for the plants?" Kid 2 says, "The leaves are where they have their babies." I'm betting the kid was brainwashed by Anne Geddes.

8) The kids dissect a lima bean.
Nick: Can we eat lima beans?
Kid 3: Nooooo.
Nick: Actually we can eat lima beans.
Kid 3: No, we can't. They're gross.
9) We are all ready to go home. It turns out Kid 1 really was allergic to pollen. His right eye is red and the size of a baseball.
10) I almost throw one of the kids off the bus because he won't sit down, and he keeps throwing stuff at people.

Why does creating special memories for your children have to be so painful?

When the Apple Doesn't Fall Far from the Tree

2010-05-19T09:04:00.000-06:00

I happen to work on the same campus where my kids go to school although I don't work for the school. It's a little confusing, I know. Anyway, the other day Kea came in my office on the verge of tears and asked if she could eat lunch with me instead of with her friends. So I told her she could, and then I asked her what was wrong. Here's the problem (and all names have been changed to protect the innocent):

From birth, Kea has pretty much been a boy. She loves sports, Transformers, Star Wars. She hates pink, princesses, skirts. She dresses like a boy in ratty T-shirts and track pants. Have you heard the buzz about Shiloh, Angelina and Brad Pitt's daughter who dresses like a boy?

Well, sometimes kids just come out that way. All of Kea's friends are boys. I can't count the times she has been the only girl at a birthday party.

Anyway, it has made her pretty clueless to the way girls normally think and act around boys.

Case #1:
Kea: Joni hates Nick.
Me: Why?
Kea: Because every day Joni tries to steal Nick's chips, and then Nick chases after her.
Me: Well maybe Joni's just trying to get Nick's attention.
Kea: But why would she do that to get his attention? It's his chips, Mom. That's really mean to take someone's chips. And it happens every single day.
Me: Trust me. I'm pretty sure she likes him.
Kea: No, trust me, Mom. She does stuff like that to him every day. She hates him.

Case #2: We have just finished watching the movie How to Train your Dragon.

Kea: I don't get that Astrid girl at all. I mean, does she like Hiccup, or does she hate him?
Me: She likes him.
Kea: Okay, but that doesn't make sense at all. First she hits him, and then she kisses him. Why would you hit someone if you like them?
Me: You shouldn't. But she was just being a kid, and she doesn't know how to deal with her feelings.
Kea: But she hit him. She can't like him if she hit him.

Anyway, so Kea comes and eats lunch in my office because she's upset. For several years she has been very good friends with a kid, Aaron. But on this particular day, Kea realized that Aaron might like her as more than a friend. I wanted to say, "Um, hello? Aaron has liked you ever since you first became friends." But I didn't because I'm such a sensitive mom.

Me: Well, why should that change your friendship?
Kea: Because he follows me everywhere, and he wants me to hang out with him at recess.
Me: Okay, so how is that different than before?
Kea: Because he likes me, so I told him not to follow me anymore, but he keeps following me. And then I try to ignore him, but he keeps getting crazier and crazier.
Me: I think he's doing that because he's trying to get your attention, and you're not giving him any.
Kea: But that doesn't make any sense. Why would he think I would want to hang out with him more when he's getting crazier?
Me: Because boys aren't very smart at that age.
Kea: Why doesn't he try to get my attention by making me laugh?
Me: Because boys are dumb. But because they're dumb, I think you should still hang out with him because you're probably hurting his feelings, and he probably has no clue why.
Kea: Oh I've told him exactly why, but he just doesn't listen.

I wanted to tell her that that won't change, but I didn't because, once again, I am such a sensitive mom.

Me: Well, just try to hang out with him because you used to be really good friends.
Kea: But it's awkward now.
Me: It's only awkward because of you. Just hang out with him.

And that's where I lost my sensitivity, even though I was the girl who kneed boys in the privates if I thought that they liked me. It's not fun when the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

How My Daughter's Road to Fame is Paved with No Intentions . . .

2010-05-17T09:09:00.000-06:00

So the path to becoming a celebrity has been a rough one for Maile.

1) Mom agrees to take her to the audition because she's convinced it will scare Maile to death, and the road will stop there.

2) Though it's never happened before, Mom is wrong. Maile does well and wants to continue.

3) Maile begins classes, and Mom is thrilled there are no complaints.

4) There are complaints. Maile realizes becoming famous actually takes work when they tell her to memorize a commercial and a monologue and learn poses for the fashion show.

5) With help and much grumbling, Maile memorizes the commercial and monologue, but it's actually the poses for the fashion show that send her over the edge.

6) We are told that we need to get headshots and a resume together.

7) We laugh out loud when they say we can schedule a shoot with their photographer for a fee of $600 because despite the rumors, I am not really Bux.

8) Family friend Gordon Lonsdale graciously agrees to help us with the headshots. (Side note: Gordon is the director of photography for the TV show Bones. If you aren't watching the show, you should. Also, just so you know, my favorite character is Zack.)

9) I realize just how NOT photogenic Maile is because the conversation for each pose sounds something like this:

Gordon: Look at the camera . . . okay, right at the camera.
Me: Maile, look at the camera.
Gordon: Okay, right here. Look right at me. Look at the camera. Okay, now smile.
Me: Smile, Maile.
Gordon: Try smiling with your eyes open . . . okay, now look at the camera and smile. Look right here at the camera. Now open your eyes.

10) I realize that photo shoots are more exhausting for the parents and the photographer. I also sing the Hallelujah chorus that we didn't have to pay $600 to go through that torture.

11) Maile makes a lot of progress with the commercial and monologue, but it's still the modeling poses that are killing her. I remind her that she was the one who wanted to do this, not me.

12) We are informed by the modeling teacher that Maile is "struggling to participate" with her poses for the fashion show.

13) The teacher also tells us that she's just being honest when she says people don't like working with children who can be challenging.

14) I respond with, "Well, I'm just being honest when I say, 'Why do you think I look so elated to drop her off with you for 6 hours each Saturday?'"

The road to fame has been difficult for all parties involved. Nevertheless, Maile continues to push ahead, which is very uncharacteristic of her. Maybe there is hope yet. But since it can't hurt, pray for us, and by us I mean me and Grant, next Saturday when she actually has to audition in front of an agent and whomever else they bring in.

Anyway, here's how some of the pictures turned out. Gordon did a fabulous job despite the uncooperative model.

My Kind Heart

2010-05-14T08:34:00.001-06:00

Okay, so sister Ashley was mad because I didn't wish her a happy birthday last Tuesday. I am a little inconsistent with birthdays as far as the blog goes. However, let me just say that the biggest parties I have ever thrown have been for her. Not even my own kids have had parties as big as the ones I've done for my little sis. I'm talking renting a room at a club house, hiring a DJ, playing awesome games, etc. Nevertheless, happy birthday, Ashley. And happy birthday, Jacob Lonsdale. Please move home soon.

Anyway, it's poetry Friday. I am not necessarily sharing poetry today, but instead, I am posting a card I received for Mother's Day from Kea.

And then here's what she writes in almost every card she signs: a variation of what was on the front or inside of the card.

As a result, we get messages from her that say stuff like "Someone like you comes along once in a lifetime!" or "Today is your day! Happy birthday!" So just in case you were wondering, which I'm sure you were, my kind heart has taught her a lot. Really. And I've also decided that she might actually be on to something with her writing. So I'm working on this new book. It's called The Hunger Games.

The Importance of Being Earnest

2010-05-12T10:16:00.000-06:00

I've gotten some hints from people that it would be nice to see a post where I don't talk about killing characters or dying. In an effort to avoid a plea of temporary insanity to alleged charges of murder, I have decided just to avoid my characters altogether. It's working quite well. I'm also completely disregarding the fact that just the other day I was telling the kids that even if you avoid a problem, it never goes away, so it's better just to deal with problem head on. Ah, the importance of being earnest . . . which leads me to my next topic of discussion.

A while ago I took a quiz on Twitter to determine which writer I am most like. Here is the result:

Oscar Wilde
You are funny, witty, charming... and have, um, "unique" personal tastes. You like to have fun, you don't hide who you are, and you don't particularly give a damn what people think about you; you're just as likely to be seen in an all-male Amsterdam brothel as a London literary society dinner. You see beauty in life, and humor in tragedy. If it weren't for the hosts' fears of you saying or doing something indecent, you might very well be the perfect dinner companion.

(Basically this is a picture of me right down to the random stick often used for killing characters.)

Besides the "unique" personal tastes, this (unfortunately) pretty much sums up my personality. I am destined to die of cerebral meningitis. And there I go talking about death again. So, which writer are you?

Festering Guilt

2010-05-10T09:10:00.000-06:00

So I was taking Maile to her acting class last week, and just before we get there, she says, "I just thought of a really sad memory. When I was three, Kea and I got balloons at a restaurant. But when we got out of the car mine flew away, and I was really sad."

Okay, so here's what really happened.

1) The balloon flies out of the car.
2) Maile is really mad at Grant for letting the balloon escape.
3) Grant apologizes even though it wasn't really his fault.
4) Maile then says, "Dad, that was Kea's."
5) Kea, being the clueless kid that she is, thinks it really was her balloon that flew away.
6) Maile ends up happy because she has a balloon, and Kea doesn't.

How is this a sad memory for Maile? Perhaps her guilt continues to eat at her. Anyway, I had an excellent Mother's Day weekend despite the fact that I am on a torturous diet. So how was your weekend?

I Saw a Wolf in the Night

2010-05-07T08:22:00.000-06:00

So the state of affairs of my current work-in-progress is sad. Hubby keeps asking gently when/if I'm going to send my pages to the agent. But the pages are not there yet, so we'll see. The good news, however, is that even though I gave up on that book, I have almost 10,000 words on a different book. Hopefully this weekend of writing will reinvigorate me.

Anyway, it's Friday, and not just any Friday. It's poetry Friday. So here are the latest lyrics written by Kea, guitarist for the band Wolf's Night.

I saw a wolf

in the night.

It had a big

bright light.

He was right. I was

the one who had

a big fat gong.

But when I mess up

I keep on going.

My Life as a Serial Killer

2010-05-05T10:26:00.000-06:00

I'm back. Computer is fixed, even though the virus was an incredibly stubborn one, and my IT guy is my hero. I kind of liked it when my computer was out of commission because it gave me an excuse not to do revisions. It also gave me time to reflect, and I have come to the conclusion that I hate my book. I mean, really hate it. I'm pretty much ready to kill all my characters and give them horrifying, graphic deaths.

So here's why you need a writers group like The SIX: They tell you things you need to hear, even when you don't want to hear them. I am meeting them for a retreat this weekend, and here are my predictions for what will happen when I tell them of my plans to become a serial killer by assassinating my characters one by one.

1) Kim Webb Reid will convince me that a divorce from my book is not necessary. And I will say, "But we have irreconcilable differences." And she will tell me a trial separation might be good, but ultimately it will be better for the sake of the characters if we try to work things out.

2) Sara Bolton will remind me that I am only #4 crazy, but any more crazy talk will make me rise in the rankings.

3) Emily Wing Smith will insist that I stop whining and get my revisions done so we can go on a cruise.

4) Bree Despain will tell me I can send her pages to edit. And I will remind her that she has a major deadline coming up. And then she will say that this is important, and if I need the help, she will look at them despite her deadline. And then I will feel almost guilty enough to try to force a reconciliation with my book. Almost.

5) Brodi Ashton will say, "Ooh, can I watch? Is there going to be blood? Because I like blood. Want to borrow my ice pick?" And even though I love all members of The SIX equally, I will tell Brodi I love her the most.

And then, I will suck it up and finish my revisions . . . after killing a few characters off. By the way, if you want to read an interview Bree did about The SIX, click here.

Viruses Stink

2010-05-03T20:14:00.002-06:00

My computer got a bad,bad virus. Fortunately my IT guy is awesome. Hopefully I will be back soon when I don't have to post something from my phone.

Exploitation and Poetry Fridays

2010-04-30T10:00:00.000-06:00

The other night, Grant was helping Maile with her spelling words. After finishing each word, Maile would say, "done" and Grant would give her the next word. So Grant gives her the next word, which happens to be "none." She writes the word, and when she's finished, she says

Maile: None.
Grant: You mean, done?
Maile: Ha, ha. Instead of saying done, I said none. None was my spelling word. Did you hear that, Mom? You should put that on your blog.
Me: Except it's not really funny.
Maile: Yes it is. I said none instead of done.
Grant: I said something funny at work today. You should put that on your blog.

And then Maile rolls herself up in my yoga mat so that she looks like a burrito and says, "Hey, Mom! Take a picture of this and put it on your blog!" But, once again, so not funny. I mean, how can I possibly exploit my family when they are willing participants? That defeats the whole purpose.

So in the name of exploitation and poetry Fridays, I am posting one of Kea's profound poems.

Just Plain Nuts

2010-04-28T07:53:00.000-06:00

For the past few months, I have watched Bree Despain work and stress over the deadline of her next book. She has pushed through hard times and gotten the writing done. When the agent asked for my few chapters, I have to say it completely freaked me out. The first chapter is fine, but the rest of the book needs revising.

Of course, I don't want to send the first chapters in unless the rest of the book is revised and ready to go. This creates some stress. Not the same level of stress that Bree is experiencing but enough that I have realized I am crazy and can't write under such conditions.

So I have done the most logical thing and started revising a completely different book I started a while ago. Basically I am screwed as a writer.

Moving on. I don't get stage parents. I just don't. This week I have been trying to help Maile memorize a commercial and a monologue. There have been moments where I am pretty close to throwing myself off a cliff. Okay, not really. But maybe a couch or something.

I can't ever imagine pushing my child into this business. In fact, it is taking everything I have to bite my tongue and not say, "Just quit. Don't do this. Wouldn't you have a lot more fun growing up to be a scientist or an engineer? Just don't be a writer. Writers are crazy. And I don't work well under pressure. I mean, they. They don't work well under pressure."

Quiet Weeks? Never Heard of Them.

2010-04-26T09:37:00.000-06:00

Last week recap:
2 violin lessons
4 soccer practices
4 soccer games
1 dinner with blogger friends
1 two-day writing conference
1 all day acting class

And now the highlights:

Violin lessons: No one died (i.e. I didn't strangle one of the kids for misbehaving. Sorta like this picture but in a more loving way.)

Soccer Practices: Practices were held in a downpour of rain, but I got grocery shopping done so at least I stayed dry.
Soccer Games: Kea scored four goals in the Friday games
Dinner: I got to meet Brodi Ashton's blogger friends from Idaho and Arizona.

Conference:

I asked someone if a seat was taken, and she said no. And then she said, "Hey, you're one of The SIX!" Yes, The SIX are gaining notoriety. How cool is that?

I learned some great things from one of the speakers.

Hang out in bars
Crash parties
Don't breathe the air at said parties
Stand in the path of lightning
Don't make too much money in another field
Convince others that no one makes it as a writer
Wear Spock ears
Lose weight
Be young looking (probably meant I should use botox)
Write for the sinners
Undergo an exorcism
Be Stephenie Meyer

Brodi Ashton was the grand winner of the first chapter contest. The prize was a laptop, but when they called her name, she was nowhere to be found. None of The SIX were there except me. I couldn't handle the utterly dismayed faces of the presenters, so I decided to accept the award on Brodi's behalf. But as soon as I went up there, they handed me the laptop and started taking pictures. I explained that I wasn't Brodi, even though I look exactly like the blond bombshell, and they said, "So who are you?" Obviously The SIX has not gained enough notoriety.

I met with the agent, and she requested the first 3 chapters of my book. Bree Despain asked me how it went the next day, so I filled her in on the details and then said, "But I just don't have a good feeling about this." She scolded me and said I was just nervous. Then she added, "Don't even think about NOT sending those pages in." So among all of Bree's many talents, it turns out that she is also a mind reader. And when I spoke to Brodi, she threatened bodily harm. In any event, I will most likely be sending in pages.

Acting Class:
Maile survived the 6 hour class, but when asked what she learned, she said, "I can't remember, but I made a friend." So Grant asked Maile what her new friend's name was, and Maile said, "I dunno." So apparently day 1 must have been a success because they have already turned her into a mini Paris Hilton.

Guest Blogging by Kea and Maile

2010-04-23T09:42:00.000-06:00

Since I'm at the LDStorymakers Conference today, Kea and Maile graciously offered to blog for me today.

Kea:
Today I did not win my soccer game. But it was really close, and it was 2-1. A lot of people said I was aggressive. The ref we had today called too many fouls, and the two goals they scored were offsides. That ref was a jerk. I think that the ref liked the other team because he wasn’t really that good to our team as he was to the other team. We dominated the game, but we didn’t win two times in a row. But the last two games were pretty good.

Maile:

A Pitch to a Not-Imaginary Person

2010-04-21T08:44:00.000-06:00

Happy birthday, Kim Webb Reid (aka #5 crazy of The SIX)! Actually it's not until tomorrow, but I won't be posting tomorrow, and this is one of those BIG birthdays that needs celebrating . . . unless your me, and you hate celebrating your own birthdays.

Kim is an amazing writer. She is queen of description and her writing is always so poetic and beautiful. She's a great editor, too. But in addition to everything, she is a wonderful person. I can't tell you how much she has helped me with my book. If she wasn't a writer, she could have been a model. Normally I hate those kind of people. But I love you, Kim!

Okay, so thank you everyone for the encouraging words on Maile's behalf. We are definitely excited for her, but I just want to make it clear that I don't think this is going to go anywhere. In fact, I don't even know if she'll make it through the first class, which begins Saturday. For the next 5 weeks, she will have classes every Saturday that start at 10:00 am and end at 4:00 pm. That's like a million years for a six-year old--or maybe a billion.

For the first class, she needs to bring 3-4 different commercials that she can practice and 3-4 monologues. Monologues? Are you serious? Are there really age-appropriate monologues for kids her age? And then for the second class, she needs to memorize whichever commercial and monologue they ended up selecting for her. Ha,ha. I can't wait until Maile finds out how much work being a celebrity is. I mean, word has it that Paris Hilton works so hard that she had to have an assistant trained to administer her fake spray tan.

Anyway, I don't know if I will be blogging on Friday because I will be attending the LDStorymakers conference.

While there I will pitch my book to agent Laura Rennert. Laura Rennert is my DREAM agent. And she's actually a real-not-imaginary person, which is so much more than I can say for my current agent. Maybe I'll see if I can get Maile to write the post for me on Friday so she can get some practice spewing off drivel.

Superstar

2010-04-19T09:44:00.000-06:00

So the weekend was crazy. Absolutely crazy. Maile had an audition with an agency that does some casting calls for Disney, and when Maile heard about it, she just had to be there. Kea had a soccer game, and then I also went to Sarah Williams' book signing. It was a full day.

Here's the thing about Maile's audition: I really didn't want to go. And then I thought, maybe if I take her, it will be a terrifying experience, and we'll never have to do this again. So we go, and it seemed like there were a million people there, ages 4-70+. The president of the company gets up, and he's a pretty frank guy. He says, "If you came in late, turn around and walk out. If you have tattoos, fake nails--even those Lee press-on ones--then we don't want you. If you have a lot of eye makeup on, turn around and take it off in the bathroom. We will meet with everyone, and if we end up filming you, that's a good thing. If not, that's a no. Don't ask me why, just take it as a no, and don't make me be mean. If we are really interested in you, we'll call you tonight from 6-8. If it's 8:30, and you haven't gotten a call, it's not because we overlooked you. It's because it's a no."

Everyone is then directed to meet with one of four different individuals, and we happen to get put in the line that meets with the president of the agency. He has Maile read for him, and he loves her, so he films her, and then he says, "I want this girl. I want to work with her, and I want her in LA doing auditions. Someone is going to snap her up immediately. Can you meet with me tomorrow? What time works for you?"

And at this point, I was still hesitant about the whole thing, and I said, "You know, I don't really care if she does this or not." But he gives me his cell phone number and tells me to call him with any questions. He tells me to look him up online because we'll be able to see he's legit. And he was. We looked up his site, and he has discovered a lot of people.

So we met with him the next day, and he says that he saw over 500 people, and only called back 25. And of those 25, only a few were around Maile's age. But the problem was that she needed to take classes because they don't send untrained kids to auditions. And then the second problem was that we really couldn't afford the classes. Yet he insisted that he wanted her because he hasn't been this excited about a talent in a long time, so he would help pay for classes. Apparently she reminds him of Brenda Song (Disney Channel).

He says he discovered Brenda when she was 4. In the end we agreed to do it. Maile has 5 weeks of classes, and then we'll be sending her off to LA. I have no hopes or illusions about this because no one makes it in this business. I figure Maile will have fun, and she won't be able to resent us for not supporting her.

And yet, I still can't believe I am doing this. I am NOT a stage mom. I'm pretty sure all of this has already gone to Maile's head. She came home and wrote on her dry-erase board, "Hello famous. Goodbye Dad."

How to Catch a Troll

2010-04-16T08:36:00.001-06:00

And the winner of Palace Beautiful is Ann! Congratulations! (The winner was chosen by a co-worker, who randomly picked a number.) Don't forget Sarah DeFord Williams' signing tomorrow at The King's English at 2:00 p.m.

Anyway, Grant had to stay late at work the other night, and so after soccer practice, I took the girls to get dinner. So we're sitting there, and behind us is this Mom and her two sons. They are talking so loud that we can't help but overhear them. One son was probably in his early 20s and the other was a teen, but they were arguing over silverware and calling each other names that suggested they thought the other was a total idiot.

And the Mom says, "Speaking of being mentally retarded, you know so-and-so? You know how her son is older but has issues? Well, they finally got him to a point where they felt like he could live on his own, so they moved him into this little house. But then she gets this call, and her son is telling her that she has to come over because he caught a troll. And the mom doesn't know what he's talking about, but he just keeps insisting that she come over because he's so excited about this troll.

So she goes over there, and when she walks in the front door, the place is a mess. There's stuff everywhere, and it looks like someone has just trashed the place. Then he takes her to the closet, and she finds this midget all tied up. I guess the poor little guy was a missionary, and when her son answered the door, he started chasing the midget all over the place until he caught him and tied him up."

Okay, so I wanted to correct her, and let her know that people don't use the words "retarded" or "midget" anymore, but then I would have to admit that I had been listening in. This whole thing must have been a nightmare for that poor missionary. I felt so sorry for him. But did I resolve not to eavesdrop anymore? Of course not. I just kept thinking, "Man, that story has got to go in one of my books."

Reason #1056 Why I Love Emily Wing Smith

2010-04-14T08:19:00.000-06:00

Don't forget to enter my contest to win a book by Sarah DeFord Williams.

Anyway, I've mentioned before that I am working on the Writing for Charity conference on August 21. The official title for the conference is now Rock Canyon Writing for Charity. I am supposed to in charge of the the evening event, which includes the entertainment. With the help of friends, I think everything is coming together. And yet, I still manage to be worried that everything might not turn out well, and my writing career will be over before it even began.

Cue Emily Wing Smith. To quell my recent growing concerns over the event, Emily sent this e-mail:

May I broach the idea of a SIX musical?

Let me back up and share the story behind this. A few months ago, Emily sent this e-mail to The SIX:

I just returned home from a particularly poor screen-to-stage adaptation of XXXX. Can just anybody write a script these days?

Which led to this brainstorm: Writing a book about six starting out writers has been done. Writing a musical about writers, however, is brand-new; fresh. My friends, we ARE that fresh new musical.

I'll work on the script. Bree, with your drama background you're in charge of overseeing the general production. Brodi and Valynne, music and lyrics. Sara, costumes. Kim, publicity.

This is gonna be big, people!

Why didn't I think of this? She's a genuis. So get ready, everyone, because when the tickets go on sale, they're going to go like hotcakes. This will be the most successful writing conference in history.

Author Interview with Sarah DeFord Williams

2010-04-12T07:52:00.001-06:00

I am so excited for today's post because I have a special blog interview with debut author Sarah DeFord Williams. I don't remember when I first met Sarah, but it was back when she had long hair . . . and I know food was involved.

Anyway, here she is with a new, amazingly cute haircut and new book, Palace Beautiful, which will be released on April 15. If you're in the area, don't miss her signing at The King's English on Saturday, April 17th at 2:00 p.m. You can also read this great article about her here.

1. Welcome, Sarah! Thanks for your willingness to do an interview with me. Let's start with the normal author questions. What was the inspiration for Palace Beautiful?

I wanted to write a book that I would have loved as a little girl. I loved rich prose, mysterious abandoned rooms, hidden journals, secrets, the possibility of ghosts, interesting new friends and a strong sense of place, so I tried my best to create something with all these elements.

It took me four years to write this book, and it went through several incarnations. It was a complicated book to write since it was really two books in one, but I'm pleased with the outcome.

2. Tell us a little about your journey to publication.

Well, like most writers journies, it was very long. I've been writing since I was a little kid and about six years ago, I started writing novels. The agent hunt was next. I wrote three books before I started trying to get an agent because I wanted to make sure that if I was going to be a writer, I could write lots of books and not just one or two. Palace Beautiful is my third book. The first two will not be published--don't worry, it's a good thing.

It took me two and a half years to find my wonderful agent Erin Murphy. At the time, I had pretty much figured it was going to take many more years, so I had gone back to school. Well, Erin sent my book out near the beginning of the school year, and to my shock and delight it generated a lot of interest right away, and went to auction--during French class. It was awesome! Every time my phone would ring with an update, the kids in my class who knew what was going on would cheer as I darted over my desk and out to the hall to talk with my agent. Best French class EVER!

3. And what book are you working on right now?

Right now I'm writing a book called Artificial Night. It is also MG and will be coming out sometime in 2011--if I can write it fast enough. I am already under contract with Penguin for it, so you can look for it hopefully next year. I like this book so far, it has a creepy, mysterious, sometimes funny feel that I am really enjoying.

4. Okay, now let's get to know the real Sarah DeFord Williams and have you answer the burning questions on everyone's minds. Were you named after anyone?

Yes, I was. I was named after Sarah in the Bible. I like that because Sarah means "princess" and, if you look in the Bible footnotes, you'll see that it also means "one who laughs." Both descriptions fit me perfectly. I am very much a girly girl, and I have a giggling problem. Yes, I mean a problem. Once I start I can't stop. It's pretty bad.

Also, my mom said they liked the name Sarah because, back in the early 70s when I was born, only old ladies were named Sarah. That suits me as well. I love history and old things. Heck, that's what Palace Beautiful is about.

5. Would you ever bungee jump?

Oh man, not only would I not bungee jump, I can't even watch other people do it. A few years ago, my father-in-law took all of us to the rodeo for the first time. I had to cover my eyes the entire time because I was worried about the cowboys getting hurt. My husband explained to me that they are not experiencing trauma or in distress, this is what they want to do--they are choosing this. Well, now whenever I see someone doing something really scary like going on a way-too-scary-for-me roller coaster or bungee jumping, I say over and over to myself, "They are choosing this. They are choosing this," and it helps me feel better. Yes, I am that much of a whimp. So short answer--never!

6. What is your favorite ice cream?

Oh, that's a tough one. I LOVE ice cream and there aren't many (or possibly any) flavors I don't love. I remember having an amazing coconut ice cream cone three years ago in Baden Baden, Germany. The guy gave us two scoops for the price of one, even though we were giggly Americans. I sat on a bench next to the ancient bath house, and almost fainted from pure ice cream deliciousness. That was one amazing ice cream cone!

7. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

I think I'd be two colors, cornflower blue and yellow. I think I'm cornflower blue because it is a kind of old fashion and gentle, but also versatile, complex with a pinch of melancholy--yes, I am really reading into this crayon. Yellow because there are many things I love and, even though I have a rather poetic, longing spirit, I find joy in lots of things. Plus I am also a goof.

8. Favorite sports to watch?

Um. I'm not really a sports girl. I used to play church ball when they made us. I was always the girl that got the sportsmanship award--which really means I was the one who played the worst, but giggled the most--the comic relief. As far as watching sports, I pretty much limit my sports watching to the Olympics. Sorry, sports fans.

9. Favorite TV show?

I like TV. I love The Office--especially the British version. I LOVE Masterpiece Theater. I was utterly addicted to the first two seasons of LOST. I also like watching travel shows and dreaming I can jaunt off to any corner of the world I want to explore--which is pretty much all of it.

10. Who would win in a dual? Harry Potter or Edward Cullen?

Well, for me, I'd probably have to change the question to Who would win in a dual? Mr. Darcy or Mr. Rochester? I think it would be Mr. Darcy because, while both fictional hunks are strong, mysterious and passionate, I think Mr. Darcy would win because he is a bit more sensible and less self-absorbed than Mr. Rochester--very important character traits in dueling--and love. Besides, Mr. Rochester's brooding would probably get on my nerves. He'd never enjoy sitting by a bath house in Germany eating lovely ice cream, and I enjoy that very much.

Thanks for having me! It was great to visit with you all.

And thanks for answering my questions, Sarah. Congratulations, and we'll see you Saturday at your signing! Also readers, leave a comment midnight on Thursday (April 16th) and you'll be entered to win a signed copy of her book.

Dying, Part 2

2010-04-09T07:33:00.001-06:00

Okay, first things first. I promised poetry Friday, so here is one of Kea's poems.

(Christmas is my favorite holiday. But Halloween is my second favorite holiday. If my birthday was a holiday, it would be my second favorite holiday.)

Pretty profound, huh?

Anyway, I am now very, very worried. Remember my last post? Well, last night Grant was playing some songs on iTunes when Maile says, "I really like that song. We should play that when Mom dies." And Grant tries to redirect her and says, "Why don't you listen to this song? I think you'll really like it." She listens, and responds, "We should play that one, too, when Mom dies." And then she wrote me another note.

You can't really read the last word, but it says "heaven." Yes, she hopes I have a fun time in heaven. Are all six-year olds this morbid? Somehow I think not.

When I Die . . .

2010-04-07T09:02:00.001-06:00

Somehow this started out as a nice letter and turned into a eulogy.

Should I be worried? Is there something I don't know?

Our Annual Easter Fun

2010-04-05T09:52:00.000-06:00

So we had the traditional Lonsdale-Johnston-Maetani Easter Egg hunt on Saturday. As per usual, the Johnston's were there in spirit along with many others of the clan. This year was a pathetic showing. But despite the poor numbers and incredibly cold weather, the Lonsdales did not disappoint.

Highlights from the weekend include

1) Working on Friday even though we were supposed to have the day off. Turns out, it wasn't such a "Good Friday" after all.

2) Receiving a special appearance from the Easter Bunny.

3) Being surprised to see Maile actually putting forth a bit of effort and even running to collect eggs. I'm trying not to get to excited about this, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she has cast laziness aside.

4) Eating food with friends and family because who doesn't enjoy good food?

5) Enjoying a cake made by friend Lani on Easter Sunday. Even the grass was edible. Disgusting, but edible. If I am ever really, really rich, I'm going to hire him as my personal chef . . . and I'll make sure he leaves the potato starch grass at home.

6) Waking up early on Sunday morning and realizing that I completely forgot to get stuff for the kids. Scrambling through the gift closet and discovering that buying useless things for no reason pays off. I mean, what kid wouldn't want a Magic Bullet blender in her basket? Just another reason why I am Mother of the Year.

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend.

Why The SIX Stick Together

2010-04-02T07:59:00.000-06:00

So I had critique group with The SIX (Brodi Ashton, Emily Wing Smith, Bree Despain, Me, Kimberly Webb Reid, Sara Bolton) this past week. Unfortunately Bree couldn't attend because she was madly trying to meet a deadline.

Anyway, I've told many (okay two people) that I probably would have given up on writing a long time ago if it weren't for my writer's group. Though our group is mystical much like a secret society, I have decided to give you a little insight as to what our gatherings are like.

EVENT 1:
While giving feedback on Sara's pages:

Brodi: Maybe your main character can take the sword and grab it by the guilt.
Me: The guilt?
Brodi: Guilt . . . no wait, guild . . . girth? gird?
Sara: Hilt! You grab a sword by the hilt!
Brodi: Ah, yes. Hilt.

EVENT 2:
Emily throws something at me. It lands by my head.

I give her a surprised look that says, "Um . . . is there a reason why you're throwing socks at me?"

And what she really meant to say (but didn't) when she threw the socks was, "Can you please take these to Bree's house? But only if you happen to be going by there. Because if not, it can totally be whenever. Or I could give them to her the next time I see her. But I just thought since you live by her, you could drop them off. Well, maybe you should actually wait until after her deadline because maybe we shouldn't bother her. I don't think she'll need them any time soon. Sorry. I should have said something before I just threw them at you."

And then I give her another look that says, "Why do you have Bree's socks in the first place?"

EVENT 3:
Me: Should I buy that book?
Sara: No it's really not good.
Me: But you know how I am about buying books. I have a sickness.
Sara: Just borrow mine.
Me: Okay, but if we are in a place where I can possibly buy the book, you guys will have to refrain me.
Emily: Refrain?
Brodi: I think you mean restrain. We'll have to restrain you.
Me: Yeah. That.

So basically what I am trying to say is that The SIX is together because we are unable to express ourselves well with words. Which is ironic because we are writers. But only with the help of each other are we able to put complete thoughts together. Sad, but somewhat true. And I didn't forget poetry Friday. I'll do it next week.

Soccer in Sin City

2010-03-31T09:45:00.000-06:00

And the winners (chosen by random.org) are: Hilz and Whirligig Daisy. Congrats!! Send your mailing address to valynne@gmail.com and let me know which book you want.

Okay, so highlights from the Vegas weekend include:

1) Watching the tournament games. Because that's why we were there in the first place. Kea took a hard ball to the face. She got a small cut on her eye, but it didn't bruise as much as I thought it would. Which was a shame because I thought it would be cool for her to go back to school and tell people she got in a fight.

Not surprisingly, Kea still hasn't grown much.

2) Rediscovering Zots

Until I found these at a gas station, I had thought these fine candies had gone extinct.

3) Eating chocolate fondue

4) Being condemned for seeing the light show at the Fremont

5) Being surprised at some of the team names that proved religion CAN be mixed with sports. My brother-in-law saw this on one of the cars at the tournament: "Club Deportivo El Rebano Sagrado" which means "The Sacred Flock Sports Club."

It's Monday.

2010-03-29T07:55:00.000-06:00

Last day to enter my contest is tomorrow. All you have to do is leave a comment here by midnight, and I will announce a winner on Wednesday. Brodi Ashton and Kim Webb Reid still have their contests going too. don't forget to check them out.

So I got home from Vegas late last night. And I'm tired. Too tired to blog. I'll post details of the weekend later. And it's Monday.

Anyone else have kids who show up to school like this? How many times can I win Mother of the Year award? I'm like the Meryl Streep of motherhood.

Ode to TVs and Gine Pigs

2010-03-26T08:13:00.003-06:00

Outside it looks like this right now.

Which makes me even more excited to be headed to Vegas this afternoon. Kea's playing in yet another soccer tournament, but I don't need an excuse to be in warm weather.

Anyway, I've decided that for the next few weeks or I don't know how long, I'm going to make Friday's poetry posts. A while back I posted a poem Kea had written. Here's another one. If you can't read it very well, I have included a translation with the correct spellings below. Just so you know, we just got her "progress reports" from school for the last semester, and she scored VERY poorly for the poetry part of writing.

I think TVs are cool and my sister loves TVs but one thing I don't like about them is they can electrocute you. Once my pet guinea pig pooped under the TV. But luckily my mom cleaned it up. I like pets.

Moms are always good for something, aren't they?

And one more reminder. If are interested in winning a book, don't forget to enter on Emily Wing Smith's website. Her contest ends today. Brodi Ashton's contest and Kimberly Webb Reid's contest both end at the end of the month. And of course there's my contest. So don't forget to enter.

Cursed Dreams

2010-03-24T07:45:00.000-06:00

More odd sleeping places.

And speaking of sleeping, I had this dream last night that I was trying to get rid of gum, and the more I tried, the more I couldn't get rid of it. I would try to pull it out, but then I'd just find more stuck in my teeth and so I'd pull more out. Anyway, I woke up all flustered. I looked up the dream online and discovered it could be one of two things:

1) Chewing gum represents money. Based on this definition, it would seem I have lots of money and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get rid of it. Despite the fact that The SIX has nicknamed me Bux, this is so not the case.

2) On another site, it said "dreamer is not able to express him or herself effectively and that repetitive and ineffective verbal expressions are typically used." This bodes well for my writing career doesn't it?

My Second Year of Writing

2010-03-22T00:18:00.002-06:00

On Saturday, I attended a book signing for Lindsey Leavitt, debut author of Princess for Hire.

The book, like Lindsey, is so cute. It's very girly with a little mix of magic, handsome princes, and the whole fairytale ending with a good message for girls. She is definitely the next Meg Cabot.

Anyway, the signing was the perfect way to celebrate my second writing anniversary. Do you know what that means? Only 8 more years until I get published. I would begin celebrating now, but I don't want to jinx myself. I've learned a lot of things in my second year:

1. My plot is still riddled with holes. Awesome writers and friends Kim Webb Reid and Sara Bolton are essential when figuring out ways to fill in those huge crevices.

2. There are writers like Sara Zarr (National Book Award Finalist, ALA Best Book, Cybil Award Finalist, etc.) and Emily Wing Smith (Utah Book Award) who have won awards for their writing but are still the most humble, down to earth people I know.

3. Even when you have written an incredible book like The Chosen One by Carol Lynch Williams, the awards may pass you by.

4. There are hard times even though you've been published. Thank you Bree Despain for showing me how to persevere, shine, and succeed through all the grit and dirt.

5. You need a friend like Brodi Ashton to keep you laughing, especially on the why-did-I-think-I-could-ever-be-a-writer days.

6. Mentors like Ann Cannon and Kimberley Heuston are not only your cheerleaders, but they are also your friends.

7. Writing brings out the worst parts of you. All of your insecurities suffocate you, and at times your self-esteem plummets into the depths of the Underworld. Lower than that actually. There are times when the house is a disaster, you haven't showered or worn a bra in days because writing has consumed you. And yet . . . there is nothing else I would rather do.

Thank you to all those who have pushed me along this past year.

And here's what I've learned about running:
Despite the fact that I try to run every day, I haven't lost any weight. I've only gotten fatter calves, shin splints and sore knees. And I'm still slow. That's what I've learned about running.

Wanted: Artist with Food Handler's Permit

2010-03-19T07:47:00.001-06:00

Birthday wishes today to friend/little-brother Sam Johnston, who always happens to be visiting my hometown whenever we are visiting his, and yet he complains that none of us ever go there to visit him. But one of these days, we will be in the same place at the same time.

So the other day, Kea asked, "Mom, what exactly do you do for your job?"
Me: I tell people what to do.
Kea: So all those people outside your office work for you?
Me: Yes.
Kea: And they really do what you tell them?
Me: Most of the time.

Then Kea decides to test the theory and walks out to one of my artists and says, "Will you make me a hot dog?"
Not surprisingly, making hot dogs was not in his job description, but I swear "making hot dogs" was on his resume.

Anyway, I have brought a whole new meaning to laziness with the discovery of dry shampoo.

If you don't feel like washing your hair, all you have to do is spray this stuff in and brush. Awesome. I am now looking for a spray that you use on your computer and it magically does all your revisions. Please tell me if you know of anything.

What the Foze?

2010-03-17T08:25:00.003-06:00

Okay, I have good news and bad news.

Contest:
Bad News: I've been asked to extend the deadline of my contest until midnight of March 30th. I will announce the winner on March 31
Good News: Not only have other author friends extended their contests until this date, BUT I have more contests to inform you of where you can win free books. AND to make up for the bad news, I will select TWO winners instead of one. So click here to enter, and here's a reminder of how to enter my contest:

1) Leave a comment +1
2) Already a follower of this blog or twitter (@valynnemaetani) +2; Become a follower +1
3) Blog, Facebook, Tweet about this contest and the conference +1(for each)
4) Leave a comment saying you were NOT registered for the full conference at the time of reading this blog but HAVE done so (and don't lie, he he.) +5
5) Register for the conference AND also register for Emily Wing Smith's Workshop +10
6) Already registered for the conference +2

And here are other chances to win free books from author sites:
Emily Wing Smith
Kimberly Webb Reid
Brodi Ashton

Mental Incompetence:
Good News: Friend Christian and I got to play a fun game of Bananagrams

Bad News: I thought I had won and looked down to discover I had spelled the word FOZE. What is it with me and words-that-are-not-words? Ahem, remember BAGGYQ?

Writing:
Bad News: Writing is not going as well as planned.
Good News: I am committing to working harder the rest of this week and next. I found this post written by an Intern at a publishing house and thought it gave ten pretty useful tips for your manuscript. My strategy right now is to aim for the last tip which suggests you "Become an A-list celebrity, develop an addiction or severe mental illness that gets a lot of press, and then submit your manuscript." Tips 1-9 seem out of the realm of possibility for me, but I'm pretty sure I can handle "severe mental illness" pretty well.

My Daughter the Scientist

2010-03-15T07:43:00.000-06:00

Only two more days to enter my contest to win a free book. If you haven't entered, leave a comment now.

So the girls arrived home safe and sound. Apparently they had a good time although Maile spent all of her money on the first day and was grumpy about it the rest of the week. She was somehow able to convince Kea to buy her things. From experience I can say that being the oldest is not always fun. So Kea came home with a few things, and Maile came home with lots of stuffed animals: a ferret she named Whiskers, two penguins she named Flippers and Slippers, and a husky dog.

We asked Maile if she fought with cousins M. and K., and she said, "Um . . ."

Me: I'll take that as a yes. What were you fighting about?
Maile: Well, K. grabbed my ferret's tail because he wanted to hold it, so we were fighting about that.
Me: Cousin K. is two. How old are you?
Maile: Six.
Me: Do you see the problem here? You are four years older than he is.
Maile [giving me a devious smile]: Yes, but he needs to follow the same rules.
Me: But you are four years older so there really aren't any excuses. Did you fight with cousin M.? [She gives me the same devious smile.] Okay, yes. What were you fighting about this time?
Maile: Kea and M. were being so unfair. Kea had a good idea, and I wanted to tell her that, so I jumped on her and hugged her. And then Kea shouted, "Security!" and cousin M. tried to get me off her.
Grant: No. That's not what happened. You must have done something more than that to start the fight.
Me: Why do you have to fight with everyone?
Maile: Because I'm a scientist.
Me: I don't know what kind of experiment you are trying to do, but it's not going to make you a lot of friends.
Maile: Well, it's kind of like an experiment where you have water and colored water . . . and maybe some hand sanitizer.
Me: I don't know how it's like that, but it's a horrible experiment. [Maile just shrugs.]

So if my daughter ever picks a fight with you, just know she is conducting a social experiment.

How I Spent the Kids' Spring Vacation

2010-03-12T08:59:00.005-07:00

Did I ever mention how lucky I am when it comes to winning things? My luck is pretty much worse than usual when it comes to everything else. But raffles? Bingo? Random drawings? Yeah, I win all the time. So it wasn't surprising when I recently won moisturizer at the cleansing retreat, a book on Sydney Salter's blog (for the second time), and then yesterday I found out I had won a book from Goodreads. I love books, especially free ones. So don't forget to enter my contest to win a free book!

Okay, the kids are returning on Sunday, and here's what I was going to do before they got back.

1. Put away the Christmas ornaments sitting in the family room. 2. Take down the nativity set that's been sitting out for over a year. 3. Change the ornaments hanging off the light fixture to spring ornaments. I didn't do any of that. BUT . . . I did muster enough energy to take pictures of everything I needed to do. That should count for something, right?

Another Glorious Contest

2010-03-10T07:25:00.003-07:00

This is my 200th post, which means you, my dear readers, have suffered through 200 moments of my life as a harried mom and writer, my swooning over Taylor Kitsch and Peyton Manning, my admiration of Taylor Lautner's abs, my ups and downs, my failures and . . . my failures. ( I was going to put "triumphs," but who are we kidding?)

Anyway, you deserve a medal. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to give you a medal. The first thing I'm going to do is tell you about Writing and Illustrating for Young Readers conference, one of the top two writing conferences on the planet. (The other one, of course, is the Writing for Charity conference, which I am helping organize. More details later.) There have been rumors that the Writing and Illustrating for Young Readers conference has been canceled, but tis not so. Only the venue has changed.

And even bigger news is that our own SIX member and #2 Crazy Emily Wing Smith will be teaching one of the classes. If that wasn't enough, #6 Crazy Kimberly Webb Reid will be her assistant. Kim's agent will be there too along with editors from Simon and Schuster and Little, Brown. AND I will be there in attendance with Bree Despain and Sara Bolton. Let the wild rumpus begin!

So in commemoration of 200 posts and to get everyone excited (and registered for the conference), I'm going to give away another signed book. The lucky winner of this contest will receive his/her choice of the following:

The Way He Lived by Emily Wing Smith
The Dark Divine by Bree Despain
Story of a Girl, Sweethearts, or Once was Lost by Sara Zarr
The Loser's Guide to Life and Love by A.E. Cannon
The Maze Runner or 13th Reality (book 1 or 2) by James Dashner
My Big Nose and Other Natural Disasters by Sydney Salter
The Chosen One by Carol Lynch Williams
This is What I Did or Everything is Fine by Ann Dee Ellis
The Shakeress by Kimberley Heuston
Cool Daddy Rat by Kristyn Crow
A picture book by Rick Walton (He has too many to list.)

Okay, so here's how you can earn entries:
1) Leave a comment +1
2) Already a follower of this blog or twitter (@valynnemaetani) +2; Become a follower +1
3) Blog, Facebook, Tweet about this contest and the conference +1(for each)
4) Leave a comment saying you were NOT registered for the full conference at the time of reading this blog but HAVE done so (and don't lie, he he.) +5
5) Register for the conference AND also register for Emily Wing Smith's Workshop +10
6) Already registered for the conference +2

Tell me in the comments which ones you have done. Contest closes Tuesday, March 16 at midnight. Want more chances to win free books? Check out Kim Webb Reid's and Brodi Ashton's blogs.

UPDATE: Contest has been extended until Tuesday, March 30th at midnight.

Empty-Nesting Weekend

2010-03-08T07:55:00.003-07:00

So I survived presenting at the conference on Friday, and it seemed to be a relative success because no one asked for a refund. At least not in front of my face. There was also a precarious moment where I was tied to the stake by disgruntled attendees, and Taylor Kitsch had to come rescue me. And then I had to remind him that I'm married, and he trudged off depressed. I hate to disappoint people, but sometimes it can't be helped. Other than that, the conference was great.

In other news, I got the girls off to Boston successfully. When I dropped them off at the airport, I gave them money my in-laws had given them for the trip. Kea looked at me very skeptically and said, "So do we have to pay you back?" I told her no, and she still looked wary. She leaned down to Maile and whispered, "Usually there's a catch." Apparently I've trained them well.

And despite the fact that we were without children this weekend, we were still late to church on Sunday. Towards the end of the meeting, I glanced at Grant to discover he had worn a black jacket with a bright red logo for the Suncoast Casino. "It was a gift," he said. But still . . . it was funny that he had worn it to church and almost as bad as the time he had worn his football cleats to church "because it was snowing outside."

Also funny but not funny is that Grant just got his car back after that schadenfreude incident where someone backed into his car. Only a day later, someone else backed into it, and there is a huge dent and scratch on the driver's side. Unfortunately they didn't leave a note. I'm thinking we should remove the following bumper sticker from his car. That might help.

Anyway, I have no excuses this week, so I will be writing, writing, writing every chance I get. Hopefully I will be able to get all my revisions done. The latest changes are really hard ones though. I wish I could hire someone to finish them for me. Anyone interested?

Raking Leaves in Dragonland

2010-03-05T06:29:00.003-07:00

So Monday marked the beginning of Spring Break for the kids. That means no homework for two whole weeks. Which means no homework for ME for two whole weeks. Can I tell you how excruciating Mondays usually are for me? On top of the fact that Maile hates school, we also have violin practice and then soccer after that. The day is just a complete nightmare, filled with everything she hates.

And then, we get to go home and do "writing in journal" night where she has to write collegiate essays that drive me crazy. A couple of weeks ago, she was supposed to write a story on raking leaves that had a beginning stating who, where, and when; a middle that posed a conflict to the problem; and an ending that solved the problem. So her story started out with her raking leaves and made a sharp detour when a Dragon grabbed her and her two friends in its claws and took them to Dragonland.She wrote a bunch of sentences, and then she didn't know how to finish the story because, "I don't know how to kill dragons, Mom, because they're not real." Is she implying that she would know how to kill them if they were real? Scary thought. It's torture for both of us. I hate first grade.

Even better than no homework is that Nana and Grandpa are taking the kids to Boston tomorrow to visit sister Ashley, brother Troy and his family. Maile has been really worried about getting homesick, and I have to keep reminding her, "But how can I miss you if you don't ever go away?"

Anyway, I'm presenting at a conference today. Should anyone really pay to listen me speak? Undoubtedly, no. I think there are times when Grant would pay to have me NOT speak. Nevertheless, that's what I will be doing. Hopefully I will not get trampled by an angry mob demanding their money back. If I don't get burned at the stake, I will be back on Monday to report.

Peck a Little, Talk a Little, Read, Read, Read, Talk a Lot, Peck a Little More

2010-03-03T07:29:00.005-07:00

So on Monday I got to see Richard Peck at The King's English. That man is amazing. He is seriously one of the coolest guys ever. I got to talk to him a little bit while he signed my books, and then when he was done with all the signings, he read a from his books. He also gave us the background on some of them, which was really fascinating. And then pretty much everyone left, and author Sara Zarr (who actually knows Richard Peck) grabbed my arm and dragged me to the front and said, "Richard, have you met his person?" And he said, "Valynne? Of course I have." I'm pretty sure he only remembered my name because I had him sign so many books. (Remember that unhealthy obsession I have with buying books?) Anyway, Sara went on to tell him that I was a writer, and I got to talk to him a little more. Very cool.

In other news, I am still surviving on the cleanse. Barely. I've added fruits and vegetables, but I'm still drinking the lemon drink. Because my mind was so cloudy, I neglected to write about this little bed and breakfast place we went to visit during my weekend of torture. The place has tours because each room has a different theme. So people go to celebrate honeymoons, anniversaries, etc. In one of the rooms, the water to the bathtub falls from the ceiling. Anyway, I just had to take a picture of this because also in every room was a sign that said this: Am I the only one who thinks this is totally hilarious? No one else on the tour was laughing as hard as I was.

How Lemons and Maple Syrup Almost Defeated Me

2010-03-01T11:09:00.003-07:00

So here's how my weekend of colon cleansing went.

Day 1:

Ate 70% vegetables and 30% fruit. Was essentially starving.

Day 2:

Drank only my mixture of lemon juice, maple syrup and distilled water all day.
Left for the Lava Springs, and while in the car my dad decided to eat Arby's. My starvation produced madness, and I was very close to stuffing the curly fries up his nose.
Arrived at the conference center which should have fit 14 people but only had 7 beds. Thank goodness we got there early.
Had to be separated from cousin Becky by dinnertime because I kept trying to chew on her arm.
Instead of eating an actual meal, we got to ingest 8 fiber pills, 2 detox pills, and 2 colon cleansing pills. The pills were put on a plate and then all 14 women were supposed to go around and say what they were pretending to eat for dinner with each pill. i.e. For dinner, I am going to have beef stroganoff (move pill aside), red potatoes (move pill aside), etc. For all 12 pills. And all 14 women.
After the second person, cousin Mary and I looked at each other like, What are we doing here? And then even though Mary was sitting right next to me, she texted me and said: I'm pretty sure we got into an accident on the way up here, and now we're in hell.
I texted back: If not, go ahead and kill me now.
Learned that both Elvis and John Wayne died with 40 pounds of fecal matter in them. I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing that and been just fine.
Won one of the four raffle prizes because I'm always lucky that way.
Didn't get any sleep because there was a train passing right by and blowing its horn at regular intervals.

Day 3:

Had breakfast of the same pills. And yes, we got to say what each pill was supposed to be for breakfast. Same 12 pills. Same 14 women.
Drank the lemon mixture all day.
Had a lymphatic massage. Ahhhh. The highlight of the day.
Tried to play Bananagrams, but was so delirious that I thought I had won and then looked down to discover one of the words I had made was baggyQ. Yeah, it's not in the dictionary. (Of course if I had just added the letter U after the Q, I'm sure it would have been legit.) Decided that even though I really needed to get some writing done, I probably shouldn't attempt it.
Tried to go running and almost died because the 21 degree air froze my lungs.
Went to sit in the lava hot springs. Not the highlight of the day. Looked over at the other end of the pool and then said to Mary, "Um, is that a woman, and does she have any clothes on?" Her answer was, "Yes . . . and No." There were actually two of them without clothes on, and at one point, one of them decided to get out of the water and sit at the edge. Hello, naked people, bathing suits are NOT optional.
Didn't get any sleep because of the train, a group of guys howling like dogs, and a couple arguing outside my window.

Day 4:

In addition to the lemon drink, we were able to add fruits and veggies.
Got so excited to eat solid food that we went to breakfast and ordered salads.
Got food poisoning from the spinach salad and ended up so sick that I was cursing and swearing I would never eat food again.

And yet, we are all ready to do it again in May. Anyone else have an exciting weekend?

A Weekend of Cleansing

2010-02-26T10:43:00.002-07:00

I'm off to Idaho today to sit in lava hot springs and "detoxify." The retreat should help me eliminate toxins and help my immune system. With my immune system the way it is, I figure that it can't get any worse, so I have nothing to lose. But I read this book by the woman who runs the retreat, and in the book it suggests that you get massages all the time and manicures once a week to help your lymph system. I can definitely handle that.

However, for the next three days, I will only be consuming this:Yippee.

Anyway, in the writing world, I have big news for you. No, I have not finished my revisions yet. No, I am not even close to getting published. Yes, my imaginary agent is still the hottest one around. But . . . on August 21, 2010 I will be working with other authors for the Writing for Charity conference. During the day there will be workshop classes for aspiring authors. I am in charge of the evening event, something we are adding this year. I was on a conference call with Shannon Hale and Kristyn Crow yesterday, and all I can say is that this is going to be big. And a lot of work. And you should all go to the evening event even if you aren't a writer because it's for everyone. So don't miss it. I'll let you know when you can start registering.

(Anyone want to perform or donate something to the raffle? Please, please, pretty please?)

Gotta Love the Bling

2010-02-24T12:10:00.003-07:00

Writing update:
So I finally received feedback from Brian Farrey, editor at Flux. He is awesome. I really appreciate the time and effort he took, and his critique was extremely helpful. Anyway as a result, I have made some minor tweaks and hope my beginning pages will be solid.

Family update:
Grant visited the hospital yesterday, and it looks like he is definitely getting better. Maile still has a slight cough, but I figured she was just fine to try going to school today considering she missed all of last week. But when awoke, she informed me she was not going to school and that was final. Needless to say, she is at school this morning. She also has a violin lesson and soccer this afternoon, two things she has told me she has "quitted", so I can just feel her spreading the love this afternoon already.

Okay, but what I really want to talk about is my awesome friend Stefanie. First, let me give you a little background information about Vegas. For so many different reasons, I end up visiting Vegas a lot. I was there in January, I was there this month, and I will be there next month again. I never visit without bringing one of my Vegas rings.

It all started on a girls only weekend a few years ago, I acquired my first "Vegas Ring" with the help of Audrey, Chris, Kaulana, and Naomi. Since then, I have acquired many Vegas rings over the years from many other friends. Yet none can even compare to the ring Stefanie got me. It's not actually a Vegas ring. Technically, it's a "Reno Ring" because she got it from Reno. But still, I don't know if anything will ever come close to this work of beauty. Is it the butterfly? The ladybug? All of the flowers? It's hard to say what makes this ring so . . . unique. When she bought it, the cashier said something like, "Wow. Um, no one ever buys this ring." This surprises me greatly. All I can say is that I am in love.

Dummies at the Restaurant

2010-02-22T08:55:00.006-07:00

So while we were at Kea's soccer tournament, we ate at this Mexican Restaurant. I don't know the name of it (maybe friends Sam & Danielle can help me out with that.) Anyway, in the lobby, sitting in a chair is this scary dummy/fake person. Why, oh why, would you put something this freaky where people eat? And why, oh why, couldn't I resist forcing my children next to said thing so that I could take a picture?

What Do Flurries, Bowls, and Musita Have in Common?

2010-02-19T08:00:00.004-07:00

So Kea is better. (I'm actually questioning how sick she was in the first place.) Maile's fever has started to come down. And Grant still has a big head . . . I mean, swollen head. He goes back in today to see the doctor again, so keep your fingers crossed.

Anyway, since we were in St. George and Vegas (yet again), I thought I would make good on my promise to share more DOs and DON'Ts:

DO: Wear comfortable shoes.
DON'T: When asked what kind of shoes you are wearing, don't say, "Steve Maddens. I didn't even know that football guy made shoes."

Just for future reference, Steve Madden = shoe designer. John Madden = Football.DON'T: Tell the kids you are going to stay at Nana and Grandpa's house the night before to get a head start and then change your minds. It leads to complete meltdowns. And when I told Maile that I hoped she would cheer up before the next morning because I didn't want to travel with a grumpy child, she said, "Mom, I just don't know if I can pull myself together."

DO: Make a reservation for a hotel in advance
DON'T: Wait until many of the hotels are completely booked so that you end up in a very old room. This is a picture of the basket they used for the shampoo/conditioner packets (not mini-bottles) and soap. I vaguely recall that very, very long ago, they used this same exact basket when strawberries were sold in the store.

DO: See the Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief movie
DON'T: Confuse people by getting all the names wrong.

Maile: Okay, I really liked the movie, but I thought the Flurry was kind of scary.
Me: Flurry? I think you mean Fury.
Maile: Yeah, that. And the Bowl was scary too.
Me: It's not a bowl. It's a bull. It's called a Minotaur.
Maile: Oh. Well it was scary because I think he had claws instead of hooves. And I didn't like Musita.
Me: Um, her name was Medusa. Did you seriously see the same movie as me?
Grant: Sounds like she saw the McDonalds version with McFlurries.

Anyway, I can't wait for the weekend! Let's hope it's a healthy one.

Infectious Things and Twitter . . . or Maybe They're One and the Same

2010-02-17T08:26:00.005-07:00

Okay, short post. Everything is crazy because we spent the weekend at Kea's soccer tournament, came home, hubby ended up in the ER because his entire head was swollen (and not just because of his ego), found out hubby has a staph infection, barely got the girls to school the next morning, forgot I was supposed to bring bagels because Maile had an assembly, also forgot to dress Maile up as a farmer for said assembly, wrote a million apologies to the parent class rep, was called by Maile's teacher because Maile was sick and needed to be picked up immediately, picked up prescriptions for hubby, took Kea to soccer practice, discovered Maile has a fever of 103 degrees this morning, and hubby needs to go back to ER. I threatened to kill him if he dies on me. Life has been a little busy.

I will post something normal soon. In other news, I just joined Twitter, so find Valynne E. Maetani or @valynnemaetani and follow me. Also let me know if you have a Twitter account so I can follow you.